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fatuismooches · 2 years ago

Note

i'll brainrot with you about dottore and his sick! s/o:

clearly with s/o's conditions it's not optimal to go outside in the freezing cold, but one day the snowfall is so much more gentle outside and something like this is a rare occasion in snezhnaya. would dottore indulge them (of course with plenty of precautions taken) or would he rather not risk it at all?

your writing paints such vivid pictures in my head and i honestly love the comfort and warmth your work brings :]]

♡ 𝐒𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐲 𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐃𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐞 ♡

synopsis: Your poor health and fragile condition have consistently gotten in the way of various activities for many years. But that was going to change today, as you were going to take your first step into the flaky goodness of pure, white snow.

includes: dottore w/ gn! reader

notes: Related to the posts under my fragile reader tag. Thank you very much, I'm very glad my writing makes you happy! This was so cute, I originally planned for it to be only a couple hundred words but I went overboard and decided to make it a full-blown piece.

You used to enjoy the concept of cold. Growing up in a hot country had you deeply curious about the kind of weather that would warrant people wearing dozens of layers, bundling up to the point where they were barely recognizable. You wanted to go somewhere that snowed one day, you once told your lover as he sat at his desk, tinkering with Archons knows what. Dottore only grunted in response, saying that if research led him there, you would accompany him. As a matter of fact, there were some Ruin Guards he wanted to take a look at in Dragonspine. You hummed, enjoying the moment as you continued to flip through the picture book.

But now, you couldn’t bring yourself to like the cold. You think that if you weren’t sick, you’d enjoy the weather in Snezhnaya much more, but the cold permeates your body even though you’re inside the lab. (Dottore had to force Pantalone to give him more funds to install more heaters.) You didn’t like to even walk through the halls of Dottore’s complicated maze-like lab because they were too big, making the cold air suffocate you all around. (Unless you’re accompanied by a clone. Somehow, Dottore had implemented a feature into his clones to heat up and become warm, so when you’d cling to them, you wouldn’t be cold anymore. You enjoyed it thoroughly because the reactions of the clones were cute.)

Many days, you spent the time looking out the tightly sealed window at the snow. Despite living in the snow-covered nation for so long, you had never sunken a foot into the powdery fluff. When Zandik was recruited into the Fatui, you were unconscious during the trip because your body surely would not be able to handle such an extraneous journey. How would it feel, you thought? You’ve frequently asked some of your favorite clones to tell you how the snow felt. (You felt slightly embarrassed asking your real lover.) Apparently, most of the time the snow was deep and crunchy from continuous snowfall. If you weren’t careful where you walked, half of your leg could get swallowed underneath! Many children liked to form things like balls out of the snow and play games with them. But sometimes, very rarely, the snow lightens and melts, depending on how the Tsaritsa feels. It’s a beautiful scene, apparently.

You had lost faith in the Gods long ago after your mysterious illness suddenly struck you (Zandik never cared about them in the first place), but you hoped and prayed to any force that was willing to listen to you - please let the snow ease up, just a bit. It was a bit hypocritical since you did not like the cold, but you still desired to experience it like a normal person. You could bear the pain if only to have fun for a couple of minutes. You did not tell your lover this; one, because you knew it was impossible with your condition, and two, you did not want to bother him with your frivolous wants. But it seemed like you were too obvious with your intentions, as one of the first things you’d do in the morning was drag yourself out of bed, despite the great amount of energy it took, to go to your favorite window and peer outside.

“You seem to be quite interested in watching the snow lately, aren’t you?” The deep voice behind you made you jump.

“Zandik! Oh, you scared for there,” you pressed a hand to your heart and quickly took a seat that was already permanently placed near the window, already tired from the past few minutes. Your lover walked toward you, hands carefully placed behind his back, each step calculated. You couldn’t help but find some happiness in that - the way he walked was always so commanding and enchanting somehow, hypnotizing too.

“The weather here is quite different from Sumeru,” you observed. “I can’t help but be intrigued by it.”

“Is that so? It is quite boring to me. The landscape is always the same and it is rather hard to conduct experiments outside because of it.”

“Heh, it’s always the experiments and research with you. At least try to enjoy it,” you teased, rolling your eyes at him playfully. Dottore shook his head and gently flicked your forehead, causing you to pout.

“Furthermore, the cold isn’t good for you. I believed you didn’t like it, anyway,” Dottore scoffed.

“I know,” you said softly. “But I still want to experience it,” the last part was a mumble that was meant for yourself, but Dottore heard it anyway, making his eyes widen as a thought began to quickly form.

“Do you… want to go outside and see the snow?”

The fact that you were caught made you bolt up straight and quickly try to deny it. “No, no, I’m fine. It was just a fleeting thought,” you quickly reassured him.

Dottore doesn’t know why he didn’t realize it sooner. Of course you would be bored, waking up every day to the same redundant routine, watching everyone go about their daily lives while you sat there, helpless to do anything besides wait for him to cure you. Of course you would want to do something new, after hearing the same repetitious lines of how you’ll get better soon, how he’s working on a new medicine, how it’ll all be over soon, but when was “soon” coming? How long has the envy of others been eating you up? The thought of that made his smile slip.

A soft goodbye snapped him out of his thoughts. A clone had come to administer your daily medicine and get you ready for the day. Dottore quickly put his usual smirk back on and nodded at you. Your gentle smile and a wave bid him farewell, as the clone wrapped his arm around you to support you as you walked away. But Zandik was still thinking. When was the last time he had seen you with a big smile? A big, goofy one that stretched your lips beautifully and made your face hurt from smiling that hard. The answer was, he did not know. The most he could recall was from his Akademiya days, where you would greet him with one of those grins every morning, always a ball of energy.

The fact followed him throughout the day as he worked. The mere idea that it was bothering him so much was simply absurd. But he could not forget about the times his clones has reported to him about the times you cried. When you refused to leave your room some days or didn’t want to eat. He was not one for any type of comfort, not when his hands had committed some of the most wicked acts to man. How could he be, when the first thing on his mind was to hurt others, but the last thing he wanted to do was hurt you?

He did not know what to do, where to place his hands or if saying something would make the situation worse. He did not know what to do other than let you rest your head on his shoulder, allowing you to take his hand and place it on your head, giving him the okay to stroke your hair. He let you babble to your heart’s content and awkwardly wiped your tears away, for when he looked into your painfully bleak eyes that were once filled with life, he did not think he could refuse you.

It was an odd feeling for him. He took pleasure in seeing the pain of others, delighting at the moment when they lost all hope. He found it amusing when others took a stand against him, only to see their expression fall when they realized it was fruitless. But you? The thought of that happening to you made him… He had to do something.

—

One day you woke up, ready to live out another normal and boring day. As you sleepily rubbed your eyes, you noticed something was a bit off. Usually, you could hear the wind howling and the snow slamming against the windows, even if it was just a little bit. But there was nothing. As you lay on the bed, collecting enough energy to get out of bed, a glimmer of hope grew within you. With a great push, you heaved yourself out of bed and made a beeline to the window. You sat down on the chair, and pulled the curtains to the side, prepared to be disappointed, but what you saw blew you away.

The snow had melted significantly, leaving a moderate and easily walkable layer on the ground. The snowfall had reduced greatly, and it no longer pounded on the window. Instead, it flew down calmly from the sky, which was still gray, but it was a beautiful, hazy kind of gray. Now that there weren’t mass amounts of snow blowing your view, you noticed there was some kind of river around the lab. It was still frozen over, but the ice sparkled beautifully and reflected the snow-covered trees. Speaking of trees, you didn’t know it was possible for such boring things to look so pretty. Copious amounts of snow rested on the limbs, occasionally slumping to the ground with a thud, and the process kept repeating as snowfall continued.

Your jaw was slack the whole time, as you continued to take in the breathtaking scenery. Snezhnaya just got ten times better, you thought.

“I see you’ve seen the change in weather, [Name]. It seems to be to your liking.”

“Eep!” you started at the assertive voice that was practically in your ear. Dottore had snuck up on you while you were too entranced by the view to notice him. “You need to stop doing that,” you scolded him.

His deep chuckle tugged at your heartstrings. “To think that after this many times, my experiment’s results have not changed. Truly fascinating.”

You tried to ball your hands into fists to prevent yourself from blushing. “A-Anyway, you should have woken me up earlier! I didn’t think this was possible!” you fretted, still in utter shock at this.

“That, I could not do. You know your body requires a great amount of rest.” You couldn’t argue with that. He was right.

“Now, is there something you want to do?” It was as if he had somehow planned for this to happen.

You fiddled with your sweater, trying to find the words for your outlandish request. “Sooo, um, I know this may not be possible, but can I go outside? I know with my health and stuff it may be hard but… just for a bit, please,” your voice got quieter and quieter towards the end of your sentence. You bit your lip in anticipation and nervously kept your eyes trained on the rug-covered floor. The few seconds of silence that passed felt endless.

“Yes, you may-”

“Really?!?!”

Your legs were swinging happily, and there it was. Pearly whites peeked out as you grinned cheerfully and you threw your hands up into the air. The smile he had not seen in far too long.

“But, I will accompany you, and you must stay by me at all times. You must follow all of my directions as well. Do you understand?”

A walk with your lover too? “Yes, yes I’ll do anything you ask!” you easily complied. You gathered all of your energy and squeezed your partner as hard as you could (which, wasn’t that hard, but to you it was) taking him off guard. You buried your face into his midsection and refused to let go, your words of thanks being muffled from being so close to him. Dottore was stiff at first but then eased into your embrace, fingering a cord of your hair.

You were feeling a burst of energy from this exciting news, so you had to do one more thing. You released him, and when you looked up, you could see that same self-assured, confident smile that you loved. Before he could speak again, you tugged on his blue ascot with as much force as you could summon, pulling him farther down to your level allowing you to smash your lips onto his. Catching him off guard allowed you to be in control for a couple of seconds, but it is quickly relinquished as your lover takes over quickly, effortlessly deepening the kiss. When the two of you parted, he had an almost smug grin on his face, displaying his pointy shark-like teeth.

“My my, quite eager, aren’t we? I have not seen these kinds of surprises since those old days.”

“Well,” you pecked both of his soft cheeks again, “you know I always make sure my doctor knows how I feel.” At that point, there was a knock on the door and one of Dottore’s clones came in to help you with your morning routine.

“Go about your day. I will come to get you when it’s time.” You smiled and squeezed his hand once more as you rose from the chair. Dottore’s hands returned behind his back as he watched the clone and you leave.

“Perhaps I should start to add new variables to my experiment… the results are quite interesting indeed.”

—

You could not focus on anything for the whole time. Your mind was all over the place thinking about how satisfying it would be to sink your foot into the fluffy goodness.

Apparently, Dottore had designed some kind of special jacket for you to wear, along with a scarf, gloves, earmuffs, boots, and more. It had some kind of built-in heater somehow, which made everything consistently warm including your body. Normally you’d listen to his rambles on how he created it and such, but you were too giddy at the thought of freaking snow. (And also how he took the time to make all this stuff for you. It probably only took him a short amount of time considering how intelligent he was, but the action warmed your heart.)

There were quite a few clones in the lab area watching you. You think that they seemed happy for you. One of them was helping you put the gear on while your lover set down some ground rules. Zandik also had on a big fluffy coat, which made him look rather cute. You kind of wanted to fit yourself inside of it with him.

“First, you must stay by my side at all times. You’ll probably have to hold onto my arm to steady yourself. We will be following a path. This means no straying in any other direction, at least without my permission. Of course, if you feel that you can’t handle the weather anymore, let me know immediately. Do you agree to abide by these rules?”

You held back a sigh and a laugh. You knew that all of these precautions were necessary but they were still a drag. Plus, the way your lover said it all seriously as if your very existence was on the line made you want to giggle.

“Yes, Zandik. I agree to all of your rules,” you huffed as the clone finished zipping up the jacket. “My common sense is still intact, you know.”

Even though he did not show it at all, Dottore was the slightest bit uneasy. There were many things he did not understand or know about your illness. Would the sudden change in the environment trigger you? He was not sure, but he already prepared for the worst. If anything, it would be a learning experience too - to see how much your body could handle. He was ready to take notes in his head.

“Come here.”

You slowly trekked your way toward him, getting used to the feel of the long boots. It was hard to imagine wearing these every day, but you soon fell into your lover’s chest as he began to stroke your hair.

“Well then, let us go,” he wrapped a steady arm around your waist to help you balance. “Watch the lab for me,” Dottore directed the other clones as they waved goodbye to you.

They were so cute, to be honest. Especially the ones from the Akademiya days.

—

You did not realize the extent of how big Dottore’s lab was until now. There were so many paths and rooms you walked by that you had no idea existed. What was beyond those doors? Some questions were better left unanswered. You were just letting your partner guide you as you clung to his side (the walking was a lot) until you reached a great, big door with a keypad.

“Are you ready?”

You eagerly nodded.

“And you do still remember the-”

“Yes, Zandik, I remember everything you told me,” you groaned. “Please just open the door already.”

“Patience, [Name],” he chuckled. “I look forward to seeing your reaction.” He let go of you and typed a whole long password on the keypad. And in an instant, loud noises exuded from the door as it began to open from the sides.

The first thing you felt was the puff of cold air hitting your cheeks, instinctively making you raise your arms to cover it. In a couple of seconds, the door opened completely and you could feel the light shine down on you. You put your hands down, and the snowy, outside world was laid before you.

It was majestic. The snow has managed to be untainted by any other substances, allowing it to be a pristine white that covered the landscape. Slowly, you took a few steps forward as Dottore carefully watched you, until you were standing at the edge where the floor ended, and the snow began. You took a quick glance at your lover and he motioned for you to go on. And so you did. You stepped into the snow.

The first thing you noticed was the crunch of the snow under your boots. It was oddly satisfying. And the way your foot sunk so easily into, it kind of reminded you of quicksand. But you could kick it around so easily, yet you could see it was hard enough to be used to form something solid. The cold hit you like a ton of bricks, but you were doing everything in your power to withstand it. The enhanced gear from your partner helped a lot. But, all you could say was wow. You were starting to get a bit jealous of the people who could walk in such surroundings every day with ease.

Dottore on the other hand was quite satisfied. The scenery was not what he found appealing. Rather, it was you. He found no interest in such worldly things, but your reactions were ever-changing and amusing to him. A snowflake fell on your nose and melted. You wrinkled your nose at the unfamiliar feeling. And he couldn’t help but chuckle at that.

“Hold onto me. The road is quite icy and slippery. You need to be very careful.” Zandik linked his arms with you, and you gratefully reciprocated.

You could not keep your eyes off anything and everything you saw. You loved Sumeru, but Snezhnaya was starting to grow on you. It was beautiful. But what you loved, even more, was talking to Zandik. You two had not had this much time together in far too long. He enthusiastically prattled on about his experiments, his creations. He even told you about his clones’ journey to Sumeru, and how the almighty Traveler was powerless against them. You indulged him of course. You had always loved his voice, and you found it rather endearing when he’d go on his rambles.

Dottore intentionally made sure the pace was slow and steady, so as to not rush your body or make you too tired. But of course, even after only a bit of time passed, you needed to rest. Thankfully, the two of you reached some kind of gazebo with a couple of benches inside. You had no idea this existed, and it seemed Dottore didn’t either, which didn’t surprise you. That man probably only cared about the entrance and exit to his lab.

The bench was cold but you did not care. Having your lover with you for this long already made you feel warm and fuzzy. Furthermore, you’d be crazy not to take advantage of the situation. You called his name and before you could make a move, he spoke.

“How do you feel?”

“Huh?”

“Has your heart rate increased since the exposure to the snow and cold? Do you feel light-headed? How easily can you move your arms and legs?”

“O-oh, well… um, I feel cold. My heart is a bit fast from the walking, but nothing out of the ordinary. My legs hurt from the walk too… but I’m used to it.”

“Interesting…” Zandik put his hand to his chin as he seemed to think. You sighed, and shifted closer to him, beginning to run your hands up his coat, which clearly grabbed his attention but he watched you silently. Your hands reached his soft cheeks and brushed over the cold exterior of his mask.

“You know, you should take this off more often,” you suggested as your hands began to creep under the sides of the mask. “There’s no one around…” you hummed. Dottore made no move to stop you so you easily slipped the mask off, revealing his sharp crimson eyes boring into you, and scars from long ago. Of course, you couldn’t help but smile at the face of your lover.

You moved in to press your lips against his, pleased at how you could now gently trace your fingers over his scars. No matter how long you knew him, he was sensitive to touch around that area, so you always made sure to be careful.

It was an odd, but strangely good feeling, Dottore thought. One he did not know he missed, as you began to pepper kisses along the top of his face. It had been a while since the two of you had kissed for so long, which was a result of your lack of liveliness due to your illness. It seems the new surroundings really did help you. He would have to keep that in mind.

“You’re so cute,” you giggled. He frowned at that and grabbed both your wrists, pushing your back onto the bench, and making you yelp.

“Enough of that. I believe that all of this has gone to your head,” Dottore’s domineering tone was back again.

“I was just- eep!” Your words were cut short as Zandik’s lips began to mark your neck.

“The human body’s temperature can go up a substantial amount just from kissing. Would you care to experiment the limits of that with me? You would be the perfect test subject,” you felt his unhinged grin spread against your neck.

“After all, I wouldn’t want you becoming too cold now, hmm?” His impossible strength easily overpowered you as he moved to hold both your wrists with one hand, while his free one rested on your thigh.

As you relinquished yourself to him, your lips were claimed an innumerable amount of times, a clear reminder of who you belonged to.

—

You had to turn in early for the night. The miniature adventure was so, so fun, and it felt like you kicked your illness in the ass for a bit, but now you really had to get some rest to recover what little strength you had. Surprisingly, Zandik was there with you this time, instead of one of his clones.

“...I’m sleepy, Zandik.”

“Of course. Your body has experienced much more physical exertion than usual. It needs time to relax.” You sighed, letting the warmth of the blankets begin to take you to dreamland.

“Hey, Zandik?”

“Yes, [Name]?”

“Remember when we were in the Akademiya, and during the night, I’d go down into your bunk bed and sleep with you? Hehe…”

“Yes, I remember rather clearly, the intrusion of my privacy and theft of my pillows,” he sighed. The first time you did that, he did not expect to be entranced by the sunlight cascading onto your peaceful face, the fluttering of your eyelashes, and the occasional quirk of your lips as you clearly dreamt of something good. But he had no knowledge of how to handle these feelings, so he shoved you off the tiny bed, rudely waking you up. You ended up walking around the Akademiya with a bump on your head after that.

“I was trying to give you hints, Zandik. You were just dense,” you pouted. “Hey, you should come and lay with me for a bit. Like the old days.”

Dottore was hesitant. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, rather, he was so incredibly busy, especially after today. To be more precise, he felt that time not spent on finding a cure for you was time inefficiently used (most of the time.)

You tugged on his sleeve pleadingly. “Just for five minutes, until I nod off…”

He couldn’t bring himself to deny you, as he slipped under the covers with you. The softness of the mattress, plush blankets, and pillows that had your scent almost made him do a double take. It had been a long time since he was in a bed in general. Perhaps just a few hours of rest wouldn’t hurt. It would boost his effectiveness drastically…

You immediately scooted your body towards his and pressed it into his, nudging your face into his chest. He came to rest his hand on your head, while the other was loosely thrown over your waist.

“I miss you,” you softly uttered. He did not respond, nor did you expect an answer - what could he say anyway? The soft stroking on your head was more than enough for you at this moment, and it quickly lulled you to sleep.

“Thank… you.” You were out like a light, while your lover looked at you, absentmindedly fiddling with a strand of your hair.

It was no simple task to make this happen. But as a scholar, of course, he was able to negotiate. For once, it wasn’t for his own gain, but for you. The results? It was a complete and utter success.

Dottore could not lie, he felt as though he was back at the Akademiya with you. He remembers the two of you walking down the hallways, your chatty and sweet self a stark contrast to his rather irritated and know-it-all aura. How you would hug him from behind late in the night as he worked at his desk, begging and whining for him to go to sleep as you both had long lectures in a few hours.

He admittedly wants to see you take the first step into a raging blizzard. He wants to see you brave the cold with ease. He wants to see you swing your sword without abandon again, not afraid to take on anyone in a verbal or physical fight. He wanted his assistant back: the one who would be ready to jump down the throat of someone who dared to question him, the one who organized his notes in the most efficient manner.

The God of Wisdom once told him that his research was insulting, contradictory to the rules and ways of life. Now that he looked back on it, he found it amusing - even a Godly being was held back by such drivel. But it did not matter to him. There was no rule or barrier he wasn’t willing to cross in order to cure you, as he had already done it multiple times with no remorse. He would oversee your absolute recovery personally.

After all, there were many more snowy days to come.

Bonus:

“You know, Arlecchino, I saw the most interesting thing the other day,” a soft voice echoed throughout the room.

“Hmm? What was it?”

“I happened across our lovely Doctor going into Her Majesty, The Tsaritsa’s chambers. For what, I wonder? Hehe…”

“...I guess that [Name] person truly does mean something to him, if he was willing to go that far.”

#genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #dottore x reader #il dottore x reader #il dottore #dottore fluff #genshin impact il dottore #fatui harbingers x reader #fatui harbingers #fatui x reader #dottore angst #genshin dottore #fragile reader <3

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aperrywilliams · 2 years ago

Text

Pandora's Box II (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)

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Author Masterlist / Author Taglist / Part I

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Summary: Reader doesn't know what to think after the kiss between Spencer and Cat. Insecurities about their marriage surface in both Reader and Spencer. How severe will the consequences of what Cat did be?

Word Count: 4.1k

Warnings: Most of Spencer's traumas are only mentioned (Hankel, Dilaudid, Diana's illness, etc.). Angst and a lot of inner thoughts (I mean it: a lot). But not despair, my friends, happy ending.

A/N: Hello! Here is part two of Pandora's Box. Thanks a lot for all your comments, likes, and reblogs on part I.

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Spencer's POV

Cat did it again. No. Scratch that. I did it again.

I'm still seeing her eyes full of betrayal. God, how did I let this happen? How I was not able to think of something else to do. I'm so stupid!

I thought about running after her to stop her and convince her to go home with me. But I know (Y/N), and it would have been worse to insist when it was clear that she was shocked and hurt.

That leads me to now be in our shared bed, staring at the ceiling as I sink into my own mortification. Emily and JJ called me several times during the night, but I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I just texted them that (Y/N) was fine, but I screwed it up, and she hated me now. I don't know why I thought that would stop the calls. It was the opposite, but I decided to ignore my phone from there. I knew that (Y/N) would not call or text me either. Besides her getting rid of her cell phone, I was the last person she wanted to talk to.

How do I fix this?

The more I thought about it, the more complicated it became. We were not only talking about me kissing Cat Adams. It was more than that. And even if (Y/N) didn't go further saying how bad she was feeling, she slipped a hint. And it hurt. It hurt to know I was hurting her. Maybe Cat was right. I was not made to have a normal life and be loved like that. Perhaps I didn't deserve her.

Spencer, stop it! Don't fall into Cat's game. She wanted this to happen. She wanted to ruin your marriage, I repeated myself.

The funny thing is maybe I ruined it first.

Tossing and turning, I couldn't find a way to fall asleep. That brought me to the months I spent in jail when I barely slept an hour in a row. Endless nights were I missed (Y/N) 's body next to me. Nights where I swore to myself that if I made it out of there, I wouldn't waste another minute without making her my wife. So I did it. The very day I was released from Milburn, I got down on one knee and proposed to her. No ring involved, just a promise to spend the rest of my life with her, loving her and raising a family.

Two years since that, and now I think about the things I promised and what I have fulfilled. I feel terrible realizing that I have failed her.

Tiredness got me at some point, but my brain didn't stop working. I dream about (Y/N). It was a sweet dream that turned into a nightmare when she told me it was over. That ours was over.

I woke up sweating and screaming.

I couldn't let that happen. I wouldn't let my incompetence makes me lose the best thing that had happened to me in life.

After showering and getting dressed early in the morning, I went to our habitual coffee shop and bought her favorite coffee and donut. I stopped by her dad's and left a bag with the treats and a note. A tiny gesture compared to the mess I had made, but I needed to tell her I was there even if she didn't want to see me.

Reader's POV

I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't.

After explaining the previous day's chaos to my dad - partially though, because I didn't want to give in to the embarrassing details - he let me stay in my old bedroom.

Every time I closed my eyes, I could see Spencer kissing that psycho over and over again.

I could see how his hands held her head, his eyes closed, lost in the sensation. Their lips moving in unison. His body pressed against hers.

Has he ever kissed me like that? Yes. He has. That is precisely the way I liked to be kissed.

When we started dating, Spencer was so shy at first, but he freed all the passion within him over time. I always wished to be the only one to see and feel him like that. And I really thought I would be the only one with that privilege. It seems I was wrong.

Why does it hurt so much? I mean, Spencer wouldn't do that to me, much less with that crazy bitch, right? I could bet he did not even want to do it.

Maybe it's the fact that there's a fucking Jiminy Cricket in my ear telling me things between Spencer and I aren't going well, and this shit is another proof that there will always be something interfering between us.

It terrifies me to think this could lead to the end of us, but I can't deny the idea has been on my mind for a while. It's true that we have never talked about it. It's true I have tried to deny that Spencer's absence affects me more than I let on. Has he noticed anyway? I'm afraid to know.

The next morning when I got to the kitchen, I saw my dad making coffee. Over the counter was a paper bag with my name written on it. It's Spencer's. I would recognize that handwriting anywhere.

"You don't have to open it," my dad told me, sensing the internal debate in my head. "I just brought it inside so you can decide if you want to do it or not."

It wasn't the only decision I needed to make, though.

Curiosity got the best of me. Inside the bag was my favorite coffee and donut. Of course Spencer knew it. Tucked in the coffee cup holder was a note.

'My love. Don't think this is me hoping that with just a coffee and a donut, you would forgive me. It is just a way to tell you I'm thinking of you. We have so much to talk about, but I won't push you to do it until you're ready. Please, only remember that I'm here, and I love you. Always yours, SR.'

Tears clouded my vision. I love him. That's not in discussion. But to be with someone is more than to feel love. It's about giving and receiving. It's about comprehending and being comprehended. It's partnership and complicity, things that have been away from us for a while. I will not blame Spencer for that because I have much to do with it. I should have said something. Is it too late now?

I took the lid off and sipped the coffee. I was thinking of him too.

Spencer's POV

Three days. The longest days of my life. Am I overstating? I don't think so. Because even if we had been apart for longer than three days, these circumstances made it worse.

The anxiety was killing me. Those days I went to work by inertia, unable to concentrate or be useful in any way. It was hard not to go over the last few months in my head. The signs, the unsaid things. The looks of disappointment when at any moment, the phone rang, and I had to leave.

Prentiss caught me deep in thought that afternoon.

"You okay?"

"Uh - yeah. I just got distracted. Sorry," I apologized. Emily shook her head and sat beside me.

"We both know it is more than that. Do you want to talk about it?"

I sighed, leaning back in the chair. I had the question on the tip of my tongue.

"Do you think fifteen years is a long time?"

Emily raised an eyebrow, trying to decipher the question's implication, but I knew she understood why I was asking.

"Well, I guess it depends on what you compare to," she ventured with a reassuring smile.

"I mean, doing this job. I had spent my whole adult life in the BAU. And don't get me wrong, I love my job-" I trailed off.

"But?"

"I love (Y/N) too, and I'm not good enough conciliating this job with my marriage. I can't make it work as JJ does," I confessed.

"If it is the case, having some time off should work to return some balance, but something tells me it's not the biggest problem," Emily asserted. Of course she did. She knew me better: it was more than the lack of time.

I chuckled bitterly.

"We have been only married for two years, and I feel I have failed her too much already. I mean, I was the one who said I needed to slow down after everything that had happened in Milburn. (Y/N) has been by my side in so many hard times. She was the first one I told about my addiction. She was there after the Anthrax episode. She took care of me when I got shot in Texas. I ran to her when they told me about my mom's Alzheimer's. Then jail happened. What else would she have to put up with? JJ's confession and being kidnapped by a cult. And now Cat again? Fuck, she saw me kissing her! The same woman who framed me for murder. How twisted is it?"

"She loves you too much," Emily pointed, trying to get me out of my rabbit hole.

"And I love her, but I always find a way to show otherwise, uh?" I mocked myself. I really felt like I was screwing up over and over.

"Spencer, none of those things have been your fault."

And maybe Prentiss was right. That didn't exempt me from my blindness, though.

"But it's been enough to have done something about it. Emily, I couldn't bear to lose her."

I could feel the lump forming in my throat.

"Spencer, she knows you love her. She married you for who you are. You just told me she has been with you in the toughest moments. You won't lose her."

How can she be so sure? I knew things never last long. I have seen people leaving me before.

"You know? It breaks my heart when I have to leave every time. (Y/N) always says she understands my job and never has demanded something from me. Still, I know she worries as hell every time I'm in the field, and I know there have been moments when she needed me, and I couldn't be there for her. I'm her husband! I promised to be there for her! Having more time could help, yeah, but I'm tired of this rhythm. I'm tired of being on the tightrope. I'm tired of the Tobias Hankels, the Cat Adams, the Mr. Scratchs-"

I had to stop my rant because I got out of breath.

"Well, if this is the matter, I think fifteen years is a long time then," Emily told me with a knowing look, patting my shoulder.

As a cue, my phone got a text: 'Are you in town? Can we talk?'

Reader's POV

Not two minutes had passed since I sent the text, and Spencer had answered, asking me when and where we would meet.

I figured it would be a complicated conversation, so I suggested it be in our apartment after work that day.

It's not like I wanted to torture Spencer for three days before to talk to him, but the events with Cat triggered a series of thoughts I didn't want to admit before. And the truth is, I wasn't sure how to deal with this. In fact, standing in front of the door and about to open it, I'm still not entirely sure what to say, just sure we can't keep putting this conversation off.

"Hi," Spencer said when he saw me. He was still in his work attire; only the tie was missing.

I returned a tight-lipped smile, stepping into the apartment.

I turned after closing the door, and Spencer just stood there, fidgeting with his hands. He was nervous, and so did I.

"Coffee?" He offered. I shook my head.

"No, thank you."

"O-okay," he mumbled, moving to the living room and gesturing to the couch for us to sit on.

Now we were both seated, maintaining a safer distance between us. Someone needed to break the silence. Spencer cleared his throat before speaking.

"About the kiss, (Y/N), I'm so sorry-" I cut him off.

"Spencer, not that yet. You need to start telling me what happened. It still confuses me how we ended in your old apartment with Cat Adams there."

Spencer nodded and recalled the events of that day: since the moment Penelope called him when we were at the coffee shop to him and Cat at the threshold, kissing.

After hearing the whole story, I couldn't understand how someone could set up something so elaborate to annoy someone else. Well, I don't know why I should be surprised; we were talking about Cat Adams, after all.

"Okay. So you thought a family and I were in danger. And she demanded a kiss. And you thought that would help," I filled. Spencer sighed, looking at his hands on his lap.

"Honestly? I didn't think anything. I felt trapped and knew I had no leverage on her. The opposite, actually. She was in control. I let her have me at her mercy," he confessed.

Spencer at Cat's mercy. Well, it wasn't the first time.

"You didn't seem troubled kissing her," I said bitterly. "I know it sounds childish, but you haven't kissed me like that in what? Months? It felt like I was nothing in your life, Spencer. It was like I didn't even exist and was watching a movie."

My voice cracked a bit while saying those words. Even imagining that I might not exist to Spencer made my stomach churn. It was worse to think I had already been losing him for a while or that perhaps he was never mine.

"(Y/N), that's not true. I -" Spencer tried to rebut quickly. I could feel the guilt in him.

"Spencer, it's okay. I can understand you were under pressure. But it was the way I felt. What would you think if your wife made out with the person who made her life a living hell for a long time?" It was a rhetorical question, though, because I would never do that to him.

"I know. And you might not believe me, but I was thinking of you. You were in my mind at that moment. Cat told me to do it as if she were you," he acknowledged. That didn't make me feel better. I let him know that.

"And you complied. That's the thing, Spencer. It's not the kiss itself; it's the fact you did what she told you. Again."

Spencer averted his gaze from me. He was embarrassed, and I hated being responsible for doing that, but he needed to know. I was done keeping things to myself.

"That makes me realize you're still caught up in her twisted game. Cat will never stop tormenting you, and I don't know what else I can do to help you. And it hurts me because I feel I'm not enough, Spencer. I'm not enough to really be by your side and be who you need."

Treacherous tears began to run down my cheeks. That was the admission I didn't want to reveal. After all these years, I thought, at some point, I could be in tune with Spencer's life. That's why I never said anything. I yet harbored the hope of living up to his expectations all this time.

"Don't say that! It's not true!" He argued, scooting closer to me on the couch, no longer afraid of proximity. "You are everything and more that I have ever needed and wanted. God. I love you, (Y/N). If anything, it's me who feels not worthy of your love. And I'm sorry, you are the most important person in my life, and I haven't shown you that."

"Then why do I feel then we are falling apart, Spencer? It's me imagining things?"

Spencer shook his head, a tentative hand reaching mine. I doubted for a second, but I welcomed his touch.

"It's my fault you're feeling this way. Believe me; you didn't do anything wrong."

His fingers stroking my hand resembled the way his touch always comforted me. In other circumstances, I would have believed nothing had changed between us.

"Are you sure? It's like we're becoming a couple of strangers. And I cannot understand if something about me bothers you or if I am simply indifferent to you. You don't trust me the way you used to."

I retracted my hand to protect myself from the pain it would surely follow when Spencer acknowledged I wasn't the person he wanted anymore.

"I know I have been pushing you away, but it's not because I didn't trust you. It's just I have been putting so many of my problems over your shoulders that I didn't want to overwhelm you. I'm sorry for not being honest with you," Spencer said, maintaining eye contact as if he wanted to imprint his apology on me. My lips quivered, and I was doing everything to not cry.

"Spencer, I'm your wife. It is supposed we lean into each other!" I complained. How was it possible he still did not understand he is not a damaged good and deserves understanding and support.

"And you always have been there for me. But what has happened the times that you have needed me? I am away most of the time, which is unfair to you. I'm your husband, and I should have been here."

His voice broke at the end. And it hurt me because that has happened more than once, but I decided not to say anything before.

"Spencer, I knew your job when we married," I reminded him. It was the truth. I knew what I had signed for. Spencer shook his head nevertheless, blinking back tears.

"That doesn't mean I don't do anything about it. I just let it pass. And it was wrong. You were uncomfortable enough to tell me you were worried or disappointed because of my job."

I looked away as I listened to Spencer describe my behavior over the past few months. It was hard to admit that I feared what it would mean to us if we discussed it. It seemed childish, perhaps, but like a scared child, I didn't want to feel vulnerable, saying it affected me.

"But it's what you do. It's your life. You chose to be a profiler, and you save people every day."

That was far more important, wasn't it?

"But I chose you too. And you are part of my life too." Now he had hunched before me, gently placing his hands on my knees. "Do you remember what I told you when I proposed?" He asked, smiling fondly.

Of course I remembered. After living apart for three months because Spencer was in jail, the moment of our reunion was one of the most emotional things I have experienced.

"Besides telling me you loved and wanted to marry me?" I replied - a blush creeping my face at the memory.

"Yeah, that too. I told you I wanted everything with you. I told you I didn't want to spend another minute without you. You make me whole and feel alive (Y/N). That's far more important than catching monsters and consuming my life for them."

Grabbing one of my hands, he brought it to his lips, planting a loving kiss. His gaze never left mine, and I could feel like my heart skipped a bit.

"What do you mean?" I asked in a whisper. He returned a smile, tucking a hair strand behind my ear.

"That I'm done. Fifteen years is more than enough, and if this job continues cracking the good things in my life, I don't want it."

I wondered if I was listening wrong or if my mind was playing tricks on me. I needed clarification.

"What? Are you saying-" Spencer cut me off, nodding his head.

"There are so many things we dreamed of doing together. Do you recall our plan to stay a whole winter in a cabin in the woods? Or the trip to Greece? The idea of moving to the suburbs?"

"Do you still remember all that?" I asked in disbelief. That seemed a lifetime ago. We had so many plans and ideas, but I thought this would only form part of an unfulfilled desire, of our youthful and innocent desire to achieve something different from what we were used to. I often felt those plans were a way of escaping from our daily life full of pain, ghosts, and fears.

"Of course I do! And it's not because I have an eidetic memory. If I didn't, I would remember it anyway because I still want those things. With you."

Stroking my cheek with his palm, Spencer looked at me intensely as he didn't want to miss any of my microexpressions. I felt bare before him, but it didn't feel odd or wrong. If anything, it felt like he was seeing into my heart and soul. I have missed that.

"Spencer, you don't have to. You are a profiler, and you save lives. Your life has been the BAU," I reminded him. I didn't want him to be doing this just because we were in a rough patch and for it to be something he would regret for the rest of his life.

"It has been, but I don't want it to continue to be. It's a job (Y/N). One that has given me a lot of satisfaction but also a lot of pain and has consumed me. I want that to change. I want us to be able to make plans and stick to them. I want that family we talk about so much. Sure, if it's something you still want," he pointed out carefully. My eyes widened.

"You say, kids?" Spencer nodded eagerly.

"Yes. Kids. Little you's and me's running around in our new house. Whom I want to rock to make them sleep, who I want to teach them things, take them to the park, and play with them," Spencer enthusiastically described. It had been a long time since I had seen him that way. I couldn't stop my lips from forming a smile. "Do you still want that?" His excitement changed to the expectation to know my answer.

"Yes, I do," I acknowledged, my eyes filling with tears at the thought that this could be a reality one day. Spencer beamed.

"Then let's have the rest of our lives like we want them to be," he offered. It was like we were saying our vows, like the day we married.

"Are you sure? Spencer, I don't want you to feel like you have-" Before I could say anything else, Spencer gently placed a finger over my lips.

"Hey. It's been a long time since I was so sure about anything. Baby, I love you. I want us, always. Will you accept this fool man, who is madly in love with you, as your husband again?"

His eyes were full of hope, illuminated by the glow of the lighted lamp in the living room. The man hunched before me was the love of my life. The man I chose to spend the rest of my days with. I could feel the sincerity in his gaze, the transparency of the shared longing that made me fall for him years ago.

"I do," I whispered, leaning down and tenderly cupping his cheeks. "May I kiss the husband?" Spencer chuckled, nodding and leaning forward until our lips met in a passionate kiss. Spencer's hands moved up to hold the back of my head as my arms flew to the back of his neck - our lips molding like they were meant to be. The time stopped, and nothing else mattered. I was there with him, and he was there with me.

That kiss sealed our complicity and love's declaration. A kiss that Cat Adams would never have the privilege of experiencing despite the many Pandora's boxes she tried to open.

------------------

Spencer Reid’s Taglist (some of them don't work): @dreatine @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @tvandfanfic @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19 @reidsbookclub @alexxavicry @gspenc @spencerreidisbae123 @calmspencer @thebloomingeagle @pauline5525mgg @maltamurdock @disaster-in-waiting @pebble-has-a-mirgraine @anamiad00msday @chlochlosworld @milivanili99 @laylasbunbunny @miaxx03 @leahblackk @missabsey

Pandora's Box Taglist (some of them don't work): @isisjen @marimorena06 @starlightskiss @wittlewowa @ladyofhellhounds @blogs-imagines-fanctionstories @logibearhockey1 @flowersownme @callsignwidow @regulus-black-223048 @l0v3e1i @lovejules888

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid angst #dr. spencer reid #criminal minds #pandora's box #spencer reid fanfics #spencer reid fanfictions

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wlwanakin · 2 months ago

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I gotta get ur pov on Anakin and Padme after the war(no empire situation) Some ppl seem to think they wouldn’t work out, like divorce, but I don’t agree with that bc Padme didn’t even want to leave him at Mustafar and the only thing that kept her from him was dying and there’s no way Anakin hasnt given her his whole heart to never take back. I think a lot of ppls reasoning is based on wondering how Anakin would handle his mental state(these ppl then ignore Padmes traumas) and how much self sabotage he might do, with a smattering of them never truly getting to be a couple since it had to be so secretive. And then I’ve seen ppl say he wouldn’t be a good dad bc he’s too possessive to a degree of destruction. I dont know tho bc what we got to see was Anakin at his worst and having a mental breakdown. I think abt how he was as a child with his mother and I wonder if he had room to breath and didnt have to lie anymore if he would reconnect to the best of Shmi and what she taught him. Not being groomed by a sith lord anymore would also be a pretty big game changer

this is one of my favorite things to think about!! i don’t think there’s any universe where they aren’t together til the end honestly, though they’ll totally inevitably run into problems because they’d previously spent their marriage not really able to find out how they work as a normal couple. there’s no getting around the fact that they’re both traumatized people who don’t have any experience that lends itself to a non-hierarchical romantic relationship like theirs, especially not under non-strenuous circumstances. but them being able to give each other that escape is what drew them to each other to begin with so it’s a learning curve they’re on together.

anakin specifically is never gonna be 100% mentally healthy because he has led the kind of life that fucks one up forever but plenty of people who are similarly mentally ill are still able to successfully have relationships and be decent/good partners. and the thing about anakin is that he had an unfathomably awful childhood but then when he escaped his old circumstances he never actually stopped being traumatized, but even while getting pretty regularly re-traumatized he was a pretty good husband for the better part of three years. so i don’t see why that would change drastically in a world where that’s not happening and he’s not getting pushed to a breaking point all day every day. he’s constantly stuck in a context that’s enabling pretty much all his worst traits and stunting any healing he could do because you can’t really process childhood trauma while going through even more trauma on the daily that you’re also not processing, so if you took him out of that context he’d pretty automatically be in a better place by nature of no longer having an occupation that traumatizes him faster than he can think about it and requires him to do lots of violence. even if hypothetically he had a full-blown breakdown and self-sabotaged to hell and back in a post-war au, if you remove The War and palpatine from the picture that sabotage is probably going to look a lot less like murdering a bunch of babies and a lot more like regular instability and padmé has proven herself to be so forgiving and understanding of anakin’s issues that she can and will forgive baby murder so long as the motive is sympathetic so why wouldn’t she be understanding about non-mass murder forms of acting out.

i actually think their biggest problem would be that they have pretty polar-opposite relationships with systemic power and hierarchy. they both understand dehumanization and having immense age-inappropriate responsibilities placed upon them, but anakin has spent his entire life in positions of subservience whilst padmé has spent most of hers in positions of power (rather complicated ones where she’s often reduced to a pawn but still). and they’d absolutely clash on those grounds, because they’re stuck in this place of almost understanding each other but not quite and that’s frustrating, and also because they probably have habits related to this that set each other off (i can totally see anakin short-circuiting at padmé slipping into her more authoritative political persona by accident during an argument or something or that turning into an explosive fight). and this is just the kind of thing that would slip out more and more the more time they spend together, but it’s also not relationship-ending.

in general they’d also struggle with working through things because they are both quite stubborn and their previous circumstances forced them into a position of not really being able to linger on any issues or clashes because their time together was so limited and precious, but they love each other so deeply and also just like each other and for two people who want each other in their lives as much as those two do that’s absolutely something they’d learn. it’s really just leaving the honeymoon phase except the honeymoon phase was…war. i really think that especially in a situation where anakin left the order and padmé stepped down as senator they’d have a lot of space to work through it and it’d be more of a matter of learning to be people together after a lifetime of being denied normalcy.

(the question of what kind of parent anakin would be is a more complicated one imo but i do tend to lean towards “decent” because as much as he’s possessive and destructive his ability to be a loving husband and his relative success at training ahsoka tells me he wouldn’t be violently nuclearly bad. you can’t really use darth vader as a basis because his brain looks like swiss cheese at that point and you can’t really call being on the opposite side of a war as your adult son “parenting” even if attempts at creating a familial bond were made. but that’s a whole other convo.)

#it’s perhaps boring to say but i do think ultimately they’re frolicking into the sunset together #the lack of mention of anakin’s possessiveness probably feels glaring here but i really don’t think that’s the biggest problem at all #because they’re weird about each other. ultimately the big problem was unleashing the homicidal urges #the possessiveness is actually pretty much fine when no murder is involved cuz padmé’s her own type of possessive #anakin skywalker #padmé amidala #padme amidala #anidala #star wars #asks

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misscammiedawn · 11 months ago

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Dissociative Identity Disorder in Mr. Robot

So I have been writing little essays about Mr. Robot recently.

Dom's Sexuality, Gay Marriage and Whiterose

Back to the Future and Brainwashing

Today I wish to talk about the DID representation in Mr. Robot.

Actually I want to talk about the DID representation in the Hulk comics but there are 40 years worth of storylines involving it and it would require me to write about clinical understandings from the 1980s when it was called MPD (admitedly Mr. Robot's stumbles at the finish line with some of these same outdated treatment models) and that would take a while. Suffice to say it will happen eventually*. I shall make a new tag "Media Myself and I" and post it under that when I have more time to do it justice. Maybe I'll do others. I am uncertain. I believe I want to focus on positive depictions where there are no murder alters. The goal is to get people to want to enjoy things, not to steer them away. I have a few shows and games in mind at the very least.

Regardless… Mr. Robot is an easier topic to cover and is my hyperfocus of the moment.

So Mr. Robot is a show about isolation in the modern world. It's a show about socioeconomic stress, late-stage capitalism and what it means to enact meaningful change on a broken world.

But above all it is about the healing journey of Elliot Alderson, a man with dissociative identity disorder.

I say that at the start because Elliot's condition is never named until the final episode. In many ways a realistic depiction of a real world disorder was an afterthought noted in the final hour of the journey as a means of justifying the split personality trope and hiding a final twist. In spite of that the roadmap for the show was always leading to this destination and along the way they managed to get some fairly good representation out of the mix.

Season 2 even involves the only time I have ever seen a piece of fiction depict "blending" on screen. Blending isn't a symptom listed in either DSM or ICD manuals. It is, however, something one would hear about if they had a conversation with someone who had DID. I have used that scene to depict what it feels like to my partners.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

I love Mr. Robot. It is currently my favorite show of all time. If you have never seen it then please give it a shot. This post will be spoiler heavy and I'd hate to rob anyone the opportunity to watch S4E7 and have a pure emotional reaction to it. The show is on Amazon Prime and the full box set is available for $35-50 depending on format and vendor.

Go with my blessing.

The first season of the show begins with Elliot Alderson (Rami Malek) living a double life. By day a cyber security expert and by night he spends his time at his computer hacking people's accounts and satisfying a "little itch in the back of his head" that guides him to uncover the murky facts about people. The first scene of the show has him take down a cafe owner who hosts an illegal and deeply unpleasant website. I have seen individuals walk away from the first episode thinking that the show is "Dexter but with computers" but it is more lulsec activism with a Fight Club aesthetic.

The show has 4 seasons and each season depicts a different stage of Elliot's healing journey and with it completely different rules and depictions of his condition. I'll break down each season for what they do right and what they do wrong.

Season 1: Discovery

Elliot's system in season one is undiscovered but he has overt symptoms, meaning he is unaware that he has any alters but he suffers from clean breaks in his consciousness and drastically altered behavior patterns both which are a detriment to the "hidden" nature of the condition.

Commonly most people do not discover their condition until their 30s. I was 37/38 when our therapist started guiding us towards accepting our condition.

DID manifests in childhood but it's a hidden illness that does its best to go undetected. The point of the condition is to remain hidden. The internet and the educational resources it offers are helping younger individuals to recognize their symptoms and advocate for themselves at an earlier age but the standard medical understanding is that most people are developed adults before they are diagnosed.

Published statistics for DID indicate the global population of those with the condition is about 1.5% (some organizations argue the number should be higher due to how difficult it is to receive an accurate diagnosis, but 1.5% is the most consistent figure) which is rare but not to the point of never encountering it. For comparison, according to a 2023 census 1.0% of people in the USA identify as transgender. There are no tested classifications for Covert vs Overt display of symptoms but it is widely agreed that an overwhelming majority of cases within the 1.5% are covert.

We learn that Elliot is desperately lonely, abuses morphine and has paranoid delusions about men in black stalking his every move. Whenever Elliot is on screen we can never be sure what is real and what isn't, so there are times when men wearing black suits are on screen and we cannot be sure if Elliot is paranoid or delusional.

The show takes place through his perspective after all and we are a character in the show.

See… the narrative device of the show involves Elliot speaking to "friend", us. The audience. "Hello, friend." is a common refrain spoken throughout the show. The narrative begins a short while after Elliot had a complete mental breakdown and smashed up a server room, he is seeing a court appointed therapist, is socially paralyzed to the point of which we see him linger outside a birthday party and retreat home to cry in loneliness.

The entire first season Mr. Robot is depicted as another character, akin to Tyler Durden, a wild revolutionary who wants to encrypt the data of the world's largest bank in order to seal the debt records and reset everything back to 0. He starts off appearing in scenes involving the men in black stalking Elliot to mingle him in with the paranoid delusions and eventually begins interacting with him in earnest. Though the reveal is treated as a twist 8 episodes into the show Elliot does accuse the audience of knowing the entire time and he refuses to speak to us for some time, even going as far as to keep secrets from us because he cannot trust us any longer.

It's at this point that I will note that media depictions of DID tend to lean heavily on the phrase "it's a visual medium" and depict ways that characters can see, interact with and communicate with alters/parts in a dramatic setting. Off the top of my head Hulk is about the only form of fiction I've seen where the temptation to do this doesn't take over and even then the old "other face in the mirror" trope shows up there.

So for what it's worth the paranoid thinking and hallucinations are not DID symptoms and typically a person with the condition cannot see or hear their alters. In fact a testing criteria included in the MID exam is to rule out schizophrenia by eliminating the possibility that the voices heard are external or that any hallucinations exist. In Mr. Robot they are likely caused by Elliot's morphine addiction, but he gets clean after season 1 and Mr. Robot is always there.

There are some plot elements which I want to talk about but they do spoil the final "twist" of the show. So I want to warn again that anyone in the process of watching should be warned we are getting into entire show spoiler territory.

The Elliot we see in the show is the result of the stress fueled breakdown that Mr. Alderson had 6 months prior to the show starting. The timeline is fuzzy in my head but there were two triggers which set him off and began his condition flaring up (and/or caused him to lean harder into his drug addiction which in turn fueled his condition). The one we know about is that he was locked in a server room and forced to work long into the night on an issue and the already upset and stressed Elliot snapped and had a black-out.

We come to learn that he has had these his whole life but this is the first time such an incident occurred that he couldn't self-justify what had happened. He smashed up a server room, something he felt himself not capable of.

But the second trigger is the more important one.

His sister, Darlene, moved to NYC and started visiting him.

The bigger and better twist of season 1 is that Elliot and Darlene are siblings. This is hidden from Elliot and the audience for the first 7 episodes and her presence is treated much like Marla Singer from Fight Club, of whom she likely contains some inspiration, where she keeps showing up in Elliot's apartment and acting overly familiar with him.

In the earliest episodes when we are learning about Elliot's lonely life he looks at a photograph of himself and his mother at Coney Island. Due to some hallucinations we know that Magda is an abusive mother and screamed at/hit Elliot a lot. We learn more about her in future episodes and she is a truly horrible parent. Likely more than was ever depicted in the show.

The photo is actually of the full Alderson family including Darlene and Edward but is not shown as such until the reveals that Darlene is Elliot's sister and Mr. Robot is modeled after Elliot's father. The photograph is a reference to Back to the Future.

But it also is a fairly good visual representation of self-filtering information, even when it is contradictory in nature. This is common not just in DID but in all forms of CPTSD.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a condition that develops during prolonged exposure to trauma and makes radical changes to the nervous system. CPTSD is considered a root of DID and it is universal for those diagnosed with DID to have a CPTSD diagnosis also.

One of the ways CPTSD symptoms manifest is "Emotional Avoidance". The nervous system is activated when triggers related to the trauma exist within the person's life. In order to function their brains push away these reminders and naturally avoid interacting with them. This causes those with the condition to become withdrawn, to isolate and to have distorted and often contradicting patterns of thought. For instance Elliot needs connection and safety that he associates with family but his family were his primary abusers and so he edits his memories to focus on positive associations such as a family trip to Coney Island that has become an obsession to him in adulthood. We later learn that Elliot's obsession with movies was born from it being his primary way of connecting with his father... which is fairly relatable.

His positive memories of his parents are held in high regard even though we know that his father "pushed him out of a window" and his mother used to put out cigarette butts on Darlene, tried to force her to commit animal cruelty and is often depicted in hallucinations as beating and screaming at Elliot.

In a case where it is impossible to avoid the traumatic trigger, for instance the return of relative who is a living reminder of his abusive childhood, the individual may begin to dissociate. Dissociation being where a person, overwhelmed by what they are experiencing has a separation from their normal state leading to a disconnect from emotions, sense of self and reality.

Episode 8 in particular contains a visual depiction of it when Elliot is having a quiet meltdown over finding out he has a 2 day deadline and his boss at work has known about the server exploit he installed all along.

(the show often uses the camera in ways to emphasize emotional walls, dissociation and isolation like this. This sequence does so by having hard cuts, shaky cam and frantic pace melt into a gliding slow lull where the background noise filters out and we can share in Elliot's distance from his situation for a moment)

Elliot's form of blocking out is extreme but has half a foot in reality (and half a foot in the logic born from the "twist" ending) in that in order to continue interacting with Darlene he views her as a member of Fsociety and edits out their connection until it is revealed in episode 7.

A small brilliancy about Fsociety is that the entire group is formed around Elliot and Darlene's need for childhood safety. The hacking elements of the show undoubtedly born from 9 year old Elliot spending time at Mr. Robot computer repair with a smile. The anon-mask that the show uses comes from an in-universe movie that Darlene and Elliot watched every Halloween and their base of operations is Coney Island. A place that both siblings seem to associate with safety and happiness...

Which is extra messed up when you factor Season 2's revelation that Darlene was kidnapped while on a family trip to Coney Island.

Darlene's panic attacks, need to feel special and her abusive upbringing are not the topic for this essay, but I wanted to make mention that Magda was such a horrible mother that a 4/5 year old Darlene thinks of being kidnapped from a family trip to Coney Island as one of her most precious childhood memories.

The desire to reach into the past and change things to create an ideal future is a heavy theme of the show and I feel it's important to note that though the Alderson siblings reject Whiterose and her scheme, they are both living in an almost literal fun house distortion of the few unambiguously GOOD childhood memories that they each have and have wrapped them around themselves like a protective blanket.

The plot of season 1 gets a lot more uncomfortable when you realize how much of Fsociety is two traumatized kids recreating positive elements of their childhood and trying to live inside of those memories while lashing out at those who took their father away from them. The entire plan is centered around events from 1995. The show takes place in 2015.

Mr. Robot himself is, of course, the ultimate symbol of that take on events.

Edward Alderson was a monster. He's referred to as such overtly in Elliot's detox fever dream. Everyone asks him who his "monster" is while handing him the key that we learn was to his childhood bedroom. A key that he hid to prevent Edward from entering his room late at night.

Yet throughout the first 3 seasons of the show we are only shown him in context of the positive memories that he and Elliot shared. Elliot was 9 years old when Edward passed away from leukemia.

At a point, Elliot is picked up from school. He has a bruise on his cheek and the scene begins with Edward asking "If I had to guess, you didn't tell Principal Howard your side.", assuring him it's okay to share his side of the story. Because Edward is convincing him to tell his side I am going to assume Elliot got into a fight but it's not impossible to assume that the school pulled Edward in to discuss the signs of physical abuse on the child. Edward would never tell Elliot to tell his side of that story so I assume it was a fight.

It's unclear if Mr. Robot is the one who participated in those fights (we only have 2 confirmed instances of Elliot's alters showing up in childhood. The window incident and the day Edward died) but Edward picks him up and protects him from his mother's wrath and bonds with him during that drive, he reveals his diagnosis to Elliot before inviting him to work with him at the computer repair store. Likely this is what leads to Elliot's hacker skills being born.

A hauntingly similar event in my own life is why I am a photographer.

Given that the majority of Season 1 has Elliot in the dark about his condition we are only given context as to why he is the way he is and see the display of dissociative symptoms which manifest from CPTSD. Mr. Robot existing at all is actually not required for this to be a good depiction of adults who grew up in abusive environments and the way they maladaptively cope.

I also want to give a little praise to the "itch at the back of [Elliot's] head" that shows up when he feels the desire to hack someone or dig deeper and the way he pushes forward with his own will until he calms down enough to let a creeping hesitation overcome him and prevent him from acting.

Passive Influence is part of DID. It's a situation where a "fronting" (that is to say part that is in control at a time) performs an unthinking action or is emotionally swayed by the influence of another part/alter that is not presently conscious. These are one of the biggest ways that the condition flies under the radar for many. When they are close to discovering proof of their condition they will often feel an unconscious push away from it. The phenomenon is fairly easily brushed aside internally as "a gut feeling" or an "impulse" but it's observable under the right conditions.

An instance I can think of in my own life is when our survival part is trying to push people away and our emotional part desperately tries to reach out. I will often find my hand grabbing a person's wrist and clinging tightly to it without even noticing that I've done it.

In the show Elliot is compelled by Mr. Robot when he feels someone is a danger or has a weakness that can be exploited. Part of him knows he needs to do something about it and so he lets himself be guided.

The season ends with The 5/9 Hack succeeding, all the financial data being encrypted and Elliot sent to prison for (minor) hacking charges.

He knows who Mr. Robot is now and he fears him as his enemy.

Season 2 (and the book): Exploration

The first 8 episodes of Season 2 are a filter for those watching the show, many drop off. Personally I love it but I can see why it's not for everyone. Season 2 is much slower than the first and Elliot is in prison for those 8 episodes. He's also imagining that prison is his mother's house.

That daydreaming coping mechanism is largely there to add a fairly unearned sense of mystery to a character development season and make things a little more visually interesting. For the most part I don't really want to focus too much on it or the way Elliot treats "us"/"friend".

The fact is that for this season Mr. Robot and Elliot are in direct conflict but they are feeling out their landscape and trying to find common ground. They are pulling in different directions but they are reacting and responding to one another. The show uses a chess match as a visual symbol of this and in such they are keeping one another in a constant state of check. They are opposed to one another but they are communicating and working things out.

So let's start by looking at the book. The book is a recreation of the in-universe journal that Elliot keeps while he is in prison. We see him writing in it during the show and the entire thing is available, it even includes little ARG elements to let you decode the messages Mr. Robot is receiving from The Dark Army.

The book is detailed like this and it's possible to note when Elliot's handwriting turns into Mr. Robot's handwriting. There are even points where there is "blended" handwriting. It's easy to spot in the above image because Mr. Robot writes with a heavy hand and in all caps where Elliot is soft and uses lower case, in the top line of the second page "you NeeD atteNtioN aNd aRe Willing to pay a lotta MoNey to get it." you can see Elliot slipping from one headspace to another while becoming upset at society.

Even still if you look above the FUCK SOCIETY image you see Elliot's calmer handwriting as clear and flowing.

When we were in denial of our condition we poured through journal after journal and chatlog after chatlog hunting for evidence to prove or disprove the theory.

It was when I looked at our old gaming journals (we took notes in pen/pencil live during TTRPG sessions because memory issues are gonna memory issues) that we noticed similar. Cursive used in some phrases, individual letters separate on another, the letters g and y getting curled at times and not at other times.

Subtler than what is displayed above but no less real.

Season 2 introduces us to Ray the warden brilliantly played by Craig Robinson. He empathizes with Elliot because he speaks to his dead wife as a means of coping with grief and assumes that Elliot is the same.

He offers Elliot guidance by asking him to play chess "against himself" and this leads to Elliot and Mr. Robot playing endless games of stalemate against one another with deletion on the line for the loser. It's the same brain and neither side wants to lose (nor do they truly want to win, Elliot admits as much in Season 3 that he likes having Mr. Robot and misses him when he's not around) and as noted above with passive influence, the games are always guided to end in a stalemate because no matter how opposed they are as forces, they both want the same things.

So... how about the Sitcom episode?

Elliot breaks his promise to Ray and looks at the website that he is tasked with doing tech support on. It's--- not good.

Ray uses a combination of crooked cops and convicted Neo-Nazis to have Elliot beaten into submission so he won't report what he saw. Elliot cannot handle this and has a mental break and wakes up in a 90s 4 camera sitcom world.

Alf is there. Because old episodes of Alf are playing in the medical ward at the time Elliot is being treated for his wounds.

The entire time he is taking a beating Mr. Robot is protecting Elliot by fronting and forcing him into an inner-world fantasy.

Okay... so Inner-Worlds.

In the show we actually had one of these in Season 1 during the detox trip but I want to talk about it now and round back and talk more in Season 4.

Inner-Worlds are a thing within DID treatment. Emphasis on the word treatment. It's one of the more commonly misunderstood things within discussion on the condition because it's regularly reported as part of the experiences within those who are diagnosed with DID but it's important to know that the existence of the diagnosis indicates the existence of treatment.

During any adapted 3 or 4 phase trauma treatment program that includes parts work, whether this be Internal Family Systems model which is used for individuals who do not have DID or system mapping and stabilization for those who do, the patient must work on creating a "meeting" space to visualize (or sense out emotionally for those with aphantasia) and much of the work of developing safety and structure within comes from filling that space with comforts and generating communication between parts.

I'll talk more on the "conference table" in Season 4.

It is possible for those not going through therapy to create one outside of the context of a therapeutic alliance but the creation of one is an intentional act. Not something that comes free with your childhood trauma.

Elliot's trip to the inner-world keeps him from experiencing any of the beating that the body is receiving and at the end Mr. Robot earnestly says he only wanted to take the punches for Elliot, nothing more. Elliot falls against him, tearful and whimpers out "Thank you" before we are given the flashback of the day Edward picked up 9 year old Elliot from school after the fight and confesses his leukemia.

For the record, my heart swells every time I see Mr. Robot acting as a protector.

So, let's talk S2E9 and the "blending" incident.

Blending is what happens when two parts/alters are co-conscious and are present enough that they are sharing control of the body. It's an uncomfortable experience. Co-Consciousness means that more than one part/alter is actively perceiving the world at any given time.

It's more complicated than binary yes/no. Every one of these experiences exists on a spectrum and no two people with the condition experience it quite the same way but there are levels of presence that one has.

The following is me talking more from anecdotes and personal experience than textbooks. I like to be clear when I'm not being academic because I do not want to spread misinformation in my arbitrary analysis of TV shows that will get 20 notes on Tumblr Dot Com.

Front is to be driving the body, to have your inner monologue playing (if you have one, most people do, but it's not a given) and have your emotions interact with the nervous system if you are grounded enough to feel your experiences. As I said, it's a spectrum. Everyone gets dissociated at times and can just go into auto-pilot or a trance. That all still counts as being in front.

To be conscious but not front is to exist in an emotionally reactive state. If Fronting is driving then co-consciousness is to be in the passenger seat.

It's truly difficult to describe and my therapist doesn't even fully comprehend it despite her being the one who educates me on these topics. Presently as I type this I can only feel one of our system (5 parts) active and "with" me right now. She's not speaking but she's reacting. I can feel her apprehension to us typing this much about our personal life, little flits of paranoid thinking that we'll get anon-hate or that people from our former life will see this and judge us. It's a presence and exists on a gradient. She's "awake" right now but I do not consider her fully "co-con" because if I asked her to tell me what she thinks about this sentence I can feel an emotional reaction (apprehension) but not a direct answer akin to "I think you should edit out references to our journal and focus on talking about the show" (which is what I imagine she would say right now). That's the spectrum.

Closer to the front a part/alter is the more direct communication happens.

There's also "asleep" and "dormant" when they are unresponsive. Pretty self explanatory. Elliot's system has 5 parts(plus "friend") and until Season 4 we only really see Mr. Robot and the main character version of Elliot. Magda and Young Elliot show up in hallucinations in Season 1 and Young Elliot is co-con in Season 4. Magda never shows up outside of emotional flashbacks and the inner-world.

So after Elliot and Mr. Robot combine forces (though Mr. Robot is still working with the Dark Army and is trying to move in secret) they have moments where they rapidly switch and cannot keep straight who is fronting at any given time.

There's a scene where Elliot is in another room thinking to "friend" when he hears an argument in the next room and realizes Mr. Robot is in the argument. As he walks in, Mr. Robot is surprised to see that Elliot is aware when he is fronting and he trails off and they switch.

Mr. Robot says that something feels off about how they are acting and that they feel like they're overheating.

A later scene depicts Elliot phasing out mid-conversation on the subway and picturing himself in the next car observing Mr. Robot talking to Cisco while a passenger plays erratic music on a keyboard.

That is such a horrifyingly accurate depiction of something we live with that I was stunned to see it on screen. I've included it in some of my stories that go over living with these experiences but the idea is when we are stressed out, can't keep our head straight and are blended like this we tend to have snippets of music playing over and over in our head. We also get what I refer to as "static" and that seems to be relatable in support groups.

A++ for the show depicting something about the DID experience that simply does not get spoken about outside of the spaces of people dealing with it. It was the moment I knew they actually spoke to people who experience this stuff and did proper research that wasn't just media depictions and medical textbooks.

The final part of Season 2's wild ride I want to talk about is the "lucid dreaming" bit.

Mind awake. Body asleep. Mind awake. Body asleep.

This again goes into Overt DID which I cannot comment on as much as covert depictions but the idea is that Elliot trains himself to remain awake when Mr. Robot takes over. We have seen from the blending experience that he is starting to remain when Mr. Robot is active and so he tries to force himself to stay when Mr. Robot is active.

In therapy this would be achieved through trust, communication and awareness. It's said in communities that systems tend to become more overt as they go through treatment as they are able to identify lines, parts can advocate for themselves and there's better understanding of what "self" means for every alter.

In my experience there's also an element of trying to pretend to be consistent and whole. We were coming out transgender when our therapist guided us towards DID diagnosis and there was a lot of tearing ourselves apart because we needed to act in a certain way for our safety and inability to do so put us at risk of being targeted. In accepting our system we have stopped trying to be the same individual and that has lead to a more overt presentation. As I tell my therapist "we need to act out our gender expression anyway. Every action we take is a performance."

That is to say, Mr. Robot has never attempted to maintain the illusion that he is Elliot Alderson (albeit he never identifies himself. He's even surprised to learn that Elliot calls him that) and Elliot doesn't even know he is "The Mastermind".

In opting to remain hidden and conscious he gains a greater degree of control and agency in his situation.

These things get easier as you learn your condition, build system trust and allow yourself to experience that which you feel comfortable experiencing. With the example of the beating earlier, Mr. Robot shut Elliot out and took the beating for him and Elliot resisted but ultimately did not want to be present. In this episode he learns that if he wishes he could have pushed through and been there and experienced everything, albeit as a passenger rather than the driver.

Therapy also teaches how to "go into the back room" to maintain stability. A technique that lets you volunteer to not be involved in a situation. My system all use this whenever I (Dawn) perform erotic intimacy of any kind. They cannot handle the thought of associating with those acts and prior to treatment it would emotionally disregulate our nervous system if parts that couldn't handle the concept were to be present during those moments because parts of me would be trying to dissociate while I am trying to act. It would either trigger a switch, cause blending or make a part shut down and become unresponsive for a large period of time- one of our partners actually discovered our system this way. She saw us shut down during a scene and realized it wasn't just a "mood swing" as we had insisted.

Elliot learns how to intentionally open up and be present when Mr. Robot is active and because Plot happens he is shot and decides to use this skill to close himself off and create a stronger divide between parts.

Season 3: Rejection

If Season 2 was the pair working things out on a chess match where they keep one another in check then Season 3 is after Elliot has tossed the board and decided to shut Mr. Robot out completely.

The arc words are "battling in our own voids", in Season 1 Mr. Robot was always aware of what Elliot was doing but Elliot was unaware of Mr. Robot's actions and in Season 2 they were fairly co-conscious to the point of overheating. Season 3 the connection is shut down. Mr. Robot has no concept of what Elliot is doing and Elliot no concept of what Mr. Robot is doing.

This goes back to the Overt/Covert thing mentioned at the start. It's a rare thing even within a rare disorder to have that level of amnesia barriers between parts and so I can't really comment on accuracy. It's a frustrating season for me in that regard because Season 2 was doing so well at depicting something that I have lived through that going back to Fight Club tropes was fairly disappointing to me.

Season 3 is great by the way. It's a debate on if 3 or 4 is the best but it's close enough that there is a debate.

The real meat of the discussion, spare for the events of the final episode where they reconcile, is in how other people treat them and talk about their condition.

Angela Moss is Elliot's childhood best friend and also lost a parent to the disaster that claimed Edward Alderson's life. She discovered Elliot's condition during his breakdown in S1E8 and was brainwashed by the show villain Whiterose in S2E11 (I have a write-up of the psychological principals at play with the brainwashing here).

In Season 3 she acts as Elliot/Mr. Robot's handler and is responsible for helping Mr. Robot continue his hacktivist terrorism without Elliot finding out. She betrays Elliot and exploits his condition. She also tells people about it without his knowledge or consent, which is pretty fucking monstrous in my eyes.

Don't out a person. Just don't do it.

When Mr. Robot asks how she can tell who she's talking to she responds "Your eyes. You're never trying to look away." which is accurate enough that I messaged my girlfriend to be sappy and grateful towards her as the first time she noticed our condition she told me it was our eyes.

From a 2022 IM chat, shared with permission:

"it's ... well, it's [...] your eyes soften, kind of, when going to Cammie. Dawn has this piercing gaze, like she's looking right into my heart and soul. Camden is just very alert, noticing so many things but not the level of piercing. Cammie... her gaze is softer. More focused, but in a ... drinking everything in, rather than seeking it out sort of way"

and added today when I asked for permission to share the quote:

"(for the record, Craig draws his eyebrows down in a particular way that makes his gaze intense in a good way)"

The show works as hard as it can to never let the audience wonder who they are seeing on screen at any time. Most scenes where Rami Malek is depicting Mr. Robot it is a brief perspective view to remind us what the other characters are seeing before switching back to Christian Slater playing the character. There are a few scenes which involve Rami playing the character for a full sequence. One is the context for a flashback where we see a scene Slater performed through another character's eyes where they see Malek.

The others usually involve us being in Darlene's perspective to highlight her unease and uncertainty of what is happening with her brother.

The only scene where it is ever treated as a surprise is when Darlene plants a bug on Elliot's computer while staying overnight and is roughly interrogated by "Elliot", only to realize midway through the conversation "Jesus. It's you".

The camera cuts back to reveal it has been Mr. Robot the entire scene. They avoid that trick throughout the show so it has large impact when it actually happens.

I feel like that scene (as well as the scene where Elliot wears the real Mr. Robot jacket and gives birth to the 2 Stage plan to take down Evil Corp) are important for reminding that no matter how differently Malek and Slater play their roles, to an outside observer they are the same person and when he acts "out of character" it could easily just be an emotional outburst.

Incidentally you can see the physicality of the acting if you go back and watch it again.

The end of the season has Elliot, betrayed, alone and terrified for the safety of his sister; finally reach out to Mr. Robot and open a dialogue.

He even goes out of his way to have this discussion on the Ferris Wheel at Coney Island both as a Season 1 callback and as a sign of trust. Elliot admits in this conversation that he missed Mr. Robot while he shut him out and wants him to be part of his life and in the season finale Mr. Robot says that he wants the two of them to keep talking.

Elliot also finds out that the window incident wasn't his dad pushing him out of a window. They jumped. Elliot asks in a kind and soft way to Mr. Robot, representing both his protector and an element of the loving father he wished he had, "did you know?"

Mr. Robot, the one who jumped. The one who wanted to protect Elliot from Edward says nothing. But he finally feels an alliance form with Elliot.

The road to healing finally has opened.

Season 4: Integration and Fusion

So let's address the elephant in the room right away. The show uses the word "real" to describe the Elliot who existed before the show started and considers him to be the only legitimate alter. There is enough wiggle room within the show to think that is in-universe ignorance but the show does nothing to prevent the fumble at the finish line.

I want to say upfront and before I start dissecting this season that outdated models of DID believed that there was a crack formed in a person's sense of self and that healing involved restoring the identity prior to the crack.

This is 100% UNTRUE and it upsets me that people once believed it. DID is formed in childhood during a time of a person's life (between ages 4-9) where the child is taking in data from their surroundings and integrating it into their socialized survival mechanics to form a personality. The child is working out what traits it can exhibit to receive nurture, care and protection from other humans and will adapt to those processes. Attachment Theory goes into greater detail about how this relates to the formation of psychological disorders, especially personality disorders.

For a traumatized child they will find that their environments do not offer consistent and reliable safety and thus they are unable to adapt to a version of their reality where they are able to maintain stable safety. This may be horrifying forms of physical, emotional and sexual abuse placed upon a child and is often depicted as such but it can also be a confused child trying to get affection from a cold and distant parent or having a parent who abuses alcohol and becomes inconsistent in their ability to give affection and care. Child psychology is a heavy and depressing field, sadly.

The result is that the child never forms a permanent sense of identity. This is a large factor in the formation of Borderline Personality Disorder and is why DID and BPD are so often thrown together within medical treatment and diagnosis. It's at the point of which when my therapist gave me our diagnosis she presented a clinical list of "myths" regarding DID and "BPD is the same thing as DID" was 5 on the list of 6.

The point of this detour is to say that there is no original self. A person who has DID never managed to form a stable sense of identity in childhood and thus they find themselves acting as chameleons in their day-to-day life, adapting to what they feel they need to become in order to receive the things they need from their surroundings. It's why there is a stigma in the BPD community over the concept of being "manipulative". In reality people with that condition are unconsciously adapting to their environment as a survival mechanism. With DID the added layer of dissociation is there to help the self function even when they are forced to interact with materials that are incompatible with their ability to function.

Pre-show Elliot was living a fairly comfortable life but his emotional needs were not met and at the time he was alienated from his sister. He was miserable and lived in a society that he felt was crumbling. His daydreaming gave birth to "The Mastermind" to remove the threats from his reality and Mr. Robot who had been there all along went into Protective Sicko Mode and decided to expedite the process in a way only a protector's morality could.

We'll get into system roles a little later.

The point is that day-to-day life Elliot (Janina Fisher's book "Healing the Fragmented Self" refers to the part untouched by trauma as the "going about daily life" part) is not Real. He is not The Original. Those terms do not exist and are meaningless in this space.

True/Real/Orignal-Elliot is as much a construct as Mr. Robot. He's a version of Elliot who does not have to think about the trauma, he can just live a happy normal life. The kind that Elliot speaks often and derisively about in Season 1.

With that out of the way, I'm going to ignore the bad use of language and talk only about what is depicted on the screen and not said out loud. Because if you remove the misconception about real/original from the mixture, this is a perfect depiction of final fusion model healing.

Season 4 introduces us to the conference table in the inner world. A conference table is a therapeutic technique used in trauma therapy where you bring the alters/parts to a conference. The idea is that it needs to be a neutral ground where everyone is comfortable and able to share their thoughts and ideas. With practice it can be a space one can close their eyes and imagine, seeing their system and allowing communication to happen between parts.

Mine is based on the Minerals Gallery in the Natural History Museum in London. I refer to it as The Library. You didn't need to know that but I didn't want to discuss this section without mentioning it.

Elliot's is the conference room in Evil Corp where he and Tyrell spoke in the first episode.

Interestingly enough there are only 4 seats in this set. I'm not sure what the implication is here as in the scene depicted above Magda (Persecutor Alter) is scolding Young Elliot (Child Alter) for sitting in a chair that isn't his. They mention all 3 alters who are not present (Elliot, Mr. Robot and The Other One).

My thought is that this is the show going all in on the idea that Elliot ("Real") is not an alter and does not take a seat at the table. Which I have issues with.

I'll note as I did with the inner-world that this is a therapy technique and not something Elliot would just have in his mind. It's an accurate depiction of DID treatment but Elliot isn't being treated for DID. Krista is no way near close enough to be able to help Elliot. She's wonderful and deserves the world and more for how she handles things in this season but she's in the pre-stabilization phase of therapy where she knows more than Elliot is willing to accept and needs to wait for him to come around.

Speaking of Krista. Episode 7 is the greatest hour of television rivaled only by Ozymandias from Breaking Bad and the M*A*S*H finale. At present it has a 9.9 on IMDB.

The episode is structured as a bottle episode in way of a 5 act play depicting the stages of grief. This is the episode where Elliot peels back to dissociative layers and understands the truth. The truth of what his father did.

I won't type it.

I don't need to.

The next episode involves Elliot seeing Young Elliot and following him to a museum exhibit with a model of Manhattan. In Season 1 when Elliot had his psychotic break after realizing Darlene is his sister Darlene and Angela checked this location stating it was a place he used to go in times of crisis.

It turns out when he was young Elliot hid the key to his bedroom here to prevent Edward from getting in. All these years later adult Elliot (or "The Mastermind" if you prefer, which I do not) discovers it and has a heart-to-heart with his younger self, screaming into the emptiness that he's sorry for not protecting him. Sorry for letting him get hurt.

The scene is lit in the golden hues that symbolize safety in this show. The final season also takes place during Christmas in New York so it gets to show off that color palette more often which is great for symbolism and aesthetic.

Young Elliot shows that the act of hiding the key from their father was protecting him. It was fighting back. Sometimes surviving is the best you can do and you need to forgive yourself for not being able to do more.

God I love this show so much.

That episode ends with the scene I most want to just overtly show off to an audience.

youtube

I already loved the show. The final episode may have broken my heart a little with its talk of "Real" but this scene? This scene gets it.

Prior to the above video clip Mr. Robot cautiously approaches and says "Hey, kiddo". Something he always says. It's who he is. Regardless of anything else he, Mr. Robot, is designed from the father Elliot wishes he had and when he hears Mr. Robot-- no Edward's voice he tenses up in terror, allowing the above scene to take place with Mr. Robot so scared that he has failed as a protector by allowing Elliot to remember and that he cannot be there for him any longer because of who he is based off of.

Those with the condition commonly create alters who are based on the traits of those in the child's life at the time the symptoms developed. I... have experience.

The lines I want to focus on the most are:

Mr Robot: If I could go back in time and change everything that happened to you... just make it all go away...

Elliot: Then I wouldn't be me... *He turns to finally look at Mr. Robot* ...and I wouldn't have you.

The final arc of the show is where the "Mastermind" twist takes center stage and Elliot enters his inner-world and finds out that he created a peaceful reality for "Real" Elliot to exist in so that he is unharmed by the horrors of the world that is crumbling in reality. Mr. Robot, as a protector, wanted to expedite the whole hack and destruction of capitalism in order to rescue "Real" Elliot from the inner-world prison. In time he came to accept "Mastermind" as a part of the whole and not a rogue alter who was endangering the body and their "Host".

S4E13 lays it all down. An imagined version of Krista speaks directly to Elliot and explains the system and their functions. Mr. Robot a father and protector who could prevent Elliot from intolerable situations. Magda, a persecutor who blamed Elliot for the abuse. Young Elliot, who Elliot could push the traumatic situations on, a common thing that many do unconsciously in CPTSD situations, dissociating from the person the trauma happened to, disconnecting until they are just another version of self.

Elliot then says "I guess she doesn't know about you." referring to us, the audience.

Krista(*) looks into the camera and addresses us directly, calling us the voyeurs who pretend we're not a part of it even though we have been here for it all. She even claims we are on her side in getting "Mastermind" to accept he is a constructed personality who was there to lash out at the society that caused him so much pain.

"You loved him so much you wanted to keep him safe, no matter the cost."

The episode ends with "Mastermind" Elliot waking up in a hospital and reuniting with Darlene only to realize that she has known the entire time that the person we have been following throughout the show wasn't her "real" brother.

...and god damn it I hate this element of the show so much.

I'll accept that they had very little time to clean things up and needed to get a way to have Mastermind agree to the fusion. I'll even demonize Darlene and say she was being selfish and ignorant in saying something hurtful because she missed the version of her brother that existed before Fsociety.

But Our version of Elliot says that he loves her and she doesn't reply. Her disappointment and resignation causes Our Elliot to go back inside and agree to the fusion.

The show ends in a first person perspective of Darlene seeing her "real" brother wake up and that's it. I'm glad we never actually see "Real" Elliot, that feels fitting.

Here's the thing about that last minute fumble though.

Let's talk about Integration and Fusion. They are different things.

Integration is when dissociative barriers come down. The system is stabilized to the point of which the alters are capable of communicating openly, sharing thoughts, memories and experiences and every part has the ability to opt in or out as life goes on.

"Functional Multiplicity" is what happens when a system is in harmony, no memories are being withheld and the system is able to go about everyday life with minimal disruption or disregulation. It is a valid goal for trauma therapy and there's a decent amount of medical stigma around it being used as the goal and not a step towards the goal. Many clinicians prioritize the appearance of normalcy over the function of the individual(s).

Fusion is when you go the extra step and take this communication and sharing of memory and experience and as you tore down the dissociative barriers you tear away the division between parts.

A system is made up of parts that make up a whole person and Fusion is the process of all parts uniting to "become" that whole person. It is a valid and normal goal for treatment. It shouldn't be held up as the only legitimate method of healing but it shouldn't be demonized for being an option. I say this because I have seen some people in support communities get real upset when the topic comes up.

The final sequence of the show, prior to Elliot opening his eyes, involves the system at the inner-world conference table agreeing to go through with it and walking towards a cinema screen. Elliot says this will only work if we go too.

The family (and audience) sit down in the movie theatre and memories flood onto the screen and pour out until all experiences and emotions are shared in one pool and Elliot Alderson opens his eyes with all 5(+audience) alters fused into one.

It was almost perfect if only Darlene hadn't have rejected the "not real" brother.

The cinema screen projecting memories, all the thoughts and experiences being shared as the Alderson System accept their parts in the whole and agree to the process? It was a beautiful visualization of a healing journey.

There are imperfect moments here and there. There are great moments I skipped over such as S3E8 (I'm not up for talking about Self-Deletion today) but all in all it's the best depiction of DID for a main character we'll likely get on TV. It's a whole and complete narrative and I love it so much. It makes me feel seen.

#dawn posting #mr robot #dissociative identity disorder #elliot alderson #did #plurality #domo arigato mr alderson #media myself and i #watch me post my trauma in public #Youtube #media essays

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wizardsvslesbians · 1 month ago

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Isaac here, with another recommendation response masterpost! It's a long one!

Anon said:

oh my godyou guys HAVE to cover metal from heaven by august clarke as the next thing to add to the list i just saw the reviews and it literally looks like main wizlez for the first time in quite a while

We actually have had an ARC of this one for some time, and we were intending to cover it! And I bounced off it real hard. So that's on me. Once it comes out properly and there's an audiobook I'll take another crack at it.

Seiya said:

“A Sweet Sting of Salt” by Rose Sutherland is for all the girlies who read Charity and Sylvia and wanted more of that. or, 19th century Nova Scotia selkie lesbians. the wizard is less a wizard and more a condemnation of the selkie folktale in general, but also the vibes are nice and this was a nice book

We're going to need a vibes are nice book - the vibes have been either rancid or very complicated for too long and I'm missing the simple days of boat lesbians and The Duke. Also it would be nice to follow up "Selkie Stories Are For Losers" from our last short story roundup.

Spiralochete said:

Not wizlez, but if you're ever in the mood, I would love to hear you guys discuss Borne by Jeff Vandermeer. It features a non-narcissistic parent of an extremely monstrous child, and I think it would produce interesting discussions in conversation with some of the previous entries in the podcast. I also think that the ecological themes would be an interesting change of pace. There are no prominent lesbians, but there are definitely wizards. If either of you have bounced off Jeff Vandermeer previously (I know that some people do), it's definitely a bit more accessible than the Southern Reach Trilogy.

I liked Annihilation! Then Authority bored me enough that I never bothered to finish it, so I'm, like, medium interested in this as a concept. Sounds like a guest episode, and so we'd need a guest who wants to cover it.

Anon said:

i think i might have just watched the first actual bona fide wizards vs lesbians film i've ever seen other than adolescence of utena, and i'm shocked i never heard of it before: harmony (2015), but for the podcast you guys might be more interested in the novel of the same name it's based on by project itoh (who i believe is also famous for having a kojima game dedicated to him posthumously). the novel is less explicit in the romance between protagonists (antagonists?) tuan and miach, which might be a point towards reviewing the film rather than the book, but it's up to you guys! really, really interesting stuff from this film, despite its flaws. it's good scifi

Any skepticism I might have had about this went out the window when I saw that Michael Arias co-directed the film. He directed Tekkonkinkreet, which is one of my five favorite movies of all time, one of the only pieces of media that makes me cry no matter how many times I go back to it, so I, at least, will be giving this a shot. Can't guarantee any more than that.

Anon said:

i know you only rarely cover graphic literature but tbh the more i think on it the manga land of the lustrous not only counts as (enby) yuri but also absolutely fits in the lesbian space atrocities/wizlez genre, the tragedy and war and double crossing and mental illness stuff with the initial motivation for everything being a gay crush that ruins everything.

I'm gonna be real with you: I had such a viscerally negative reaction to the anime when it came out that it would take a lot for me to dive into the manga. Toooo many lovingly rendered amputations.

Anon said:

have you guys ever read stuff by qing jun mo xiao? her baihe serials all are very much in wizlez mode as far as i can tell - clear and muddy loss of love has a full english translation available online, i dunno about female general and eldest princess but it's getting english volume releases!

There is an english translation online, but it's definitely fanwork, and with all respect to the person who made it it's probably best if we wait for an official release. When that does happen, I'm all for it.

Short recs:

the passion by jeanette winterson is a vintage wizvwlw novel i found recently which is magical realist napoleonic wars in venice - it might be of interest to you guys

On the list it goes!

the women could fly by megan giddings def looks like wizles, maybe it's worth checking out since it looks pretty interesting

On the list it goes!

i've not read it, but the light brigade by kameron hurley looks like interesting wizlez to me if you wanna check it out

I suspect we haven't done any Kameron Hurley books yet for a reason, but on the list it goes!

And finally, presented without comment:

Look I'm aware that due to the time commitment which is on par with reading Homestuck and the audio format it's basically impossible to cover all of it. But fellow wizards vs lesbians listeners should know that the magnus archives probably counts as wizards vs lesbians. There are a million wizards, women fall in love, and lesbians definitely attack the wizards. plus there's an assortment of bad mothers and monstrous children. It somehow has a coherent plot and themes by the end as well, if you can stick with the motw format long enough. However it's mostly wizard pov

#wizards vs lesbians #recommendation masterpost

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beevean · 11 months ago

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Rewatching NFCV with @woodchipp and @the-crow-binary has been miserable so far.

Not because of them, of course: we all need each other to bear the Peak. but holy shit I forgot how mindnumbingly boring the show is. it's way worse at a second watch because now I know how much it falls apart! We're only at S2E3 as of this post!

S1 is the best season, and even that is largely forgettable, especially S1E3 which wastes 22 minutes of my life to say "here's the bishop. he's proof that CHURCH BAD". But S1E1 may be the best or second best episode of the whole show thanks to Dracula and his performance... and isn't that sad, that the show peaks at the very beginning? The rest of the show is just... Trevor doing his stuff (while the framing mostly makes fun of him), talking, some fighting, and CHURCH BAD. As positives, I still like Trevor's mini-arc in this season, and the vague effort to be faithful to CV3 (Sypha being petrified by a cyclops, falling down a chasm to find Alucard).

S2 is terrible. Yes we're still less than halfway through. I already hate everything.

I hate Alucard becoming a legend to the point that the Wallachians name his Alucard (as in, Dracula's opposite) after only a year - why couldn't he name himself Alucard? Why complicate matters so much? Isaac calling him Alucard, and Dracula recognizing the name, makes absolutely no sense: how do they know about it? Dracula lost contact with his son one year ago and I doubt Wallachian human legends have reached him. And Isaac was in the Sahara until sometime after Lisa died!

I hate Alucard himself. He's a cunt. He does nothing but insult Trevor and the Belmonts without provocation, and it's not funny banter, he's mean! He's genuinely cruel! He hears that Trevor lost his family at 12, and he can only say "lol and lmao I had more of a childhood than you. anyway they were mentally ill and child killers, they sacrificed chickens and hoarded dead cats". And this piece of shit is the most popular character of the show??? he's not even pretty what are y'all seeing 😭

(it's also weird how he's all angsting about killing his vampire father, but he hates the Belmont for being vampire hunters. bro. bro you're also about to hunt a vampire. why are you defending a race of monsters so staunchly. not even a hint of, I don't know, a Belmont hurting him when he was a child because he was confused for a full vampire? Remember that logically, a vampire child is a child turned into a vampire, we have no other indication that dhampirs are running all around the world. I know that in the games he seems fully on board with "vampires bad and me bad for being half vampire", but you have the chance of making it better and you squander it?)

Sypha is also ruder than I remembered. I think she suddenly became more cheerful in S3 and that's why I liked her, but also girl, you keep criticizing Trevor for being rude and not consoling you, but you look at him with a perpetual resting bitch face and insult the Morning Star calling it an "ugly thing"? Why does Trevor even bother with the likes of you? How is Trephacard the most popular ship in the franchise?

I hate Isaac. Oh, I gave him the benefit of the doubt back then, because I really wanted to understand why he became the fan favorite. But now? No, I'm sorry, he's overrated as fuck. He's so damn pretentious, his speech about how he wants a pure world without love is terrible from the lens of him being a Muslim who is devoted to the Devil, and his backstory is so tryhard and historically inaccurate that I almost prefer Hector's past being exposed through voiceover.

Oh, and Hector, I hate his scenes. Because he's actually treated with dignity. He's fine! I actually like the guy! I like the scene where he rebukes Godbrand (who as a character only exists to attract infodumps and to question Dracula) because "I have to work" - he sounds actually proud of his role, if not even competent, perish the thought. Also by reading the scripts online I forgot that he was the one who yelled "you do not question my loyalty!". Which I like a lot? I can hear the real Hector protesting like that out of pride, even if in private he would admit that he disagrees with the bloodshed. And the scene where he soothes the newborn Night Creature... yeah, this character used to be written with respect, and knowing how he gets tortured and disrespected and used for rape apologism by a sex pest hurts even more. Also, in retrospect, the scene where he stares at the fire while reminiscing about the day he set fire on his own childhood home doesn't go anywhere, even as the finale of S3 echoes it :^)

And Dracula, oh my poor man Dracula. He's already being presented as an ineffectual depressed old man spending his time staring at a fireplace, who can't even command his presence in the war room, who allows Carmilla to insult him and Lisa in front of everyone - it's so embarrassing how he gets the Red Eyes of Fury and then he simply... lets her go after he gets the flimsy explanation of "yeah I humiliated you because everyone is asking themselves the same question. I wanted to help <3" girl (Dracula), she's a mere regional ruler, as she herself said??? why do you need her so much that you allow her to do this shit??????? oh but then you posture to godbrand, he gets to be threatened because... he's not relevant to the plot i guess. fucking pathetic. what have they done to my man.

(and I hate Carmilla. but that has never changed. annoying smug ass #girlboss with the charisma of spoiled seafood. her way of manipulating Hector isn't even manipulation, it's just her telling him very plainly what she wants him to do. She and Lenore utterly suck at their job, and they only get their way because muh plot)

And then there's the infodumping. Oh my god these people won't shut the fuck up. Godbrand is like "why should we listen to two humans?" and Dracula dumps twice that he trusts Hector and Isaac for their human nature (which, again, it's a decent reasoning, but it goes on and on and even they should know, I get it). Alucard dumps about the apocalyptic scenario where Dracula wins and rules over a world without humans... but he only describes it as we look into his ugly face, instead of doing something more creative like actually showing what would happen. Hector gets this random flashback-through-sound, shoved there as if Ellis didn't know where to put it in the script; later on he explains to Carmilla the origin of Night Creatures, as if ever remotely matters. Isaac dumps about his jihadist philosophy about how by killing humans he and Dracula will create a pure world. Carmilla randomly reveals her Tragic Backstory after kicking Godbrand down the stairs, another scene I can't stand because it's all about what a #queen she is and how she's better than Dracula. At one point they seriously discuss about the myth of vampires unable to cross running water, which is a moot point anyway because Carmilla resorts to using a zombie bishop to bless the river!! No I will never let it go!!!

(also I love that in the one occasion where Alucard has the chance of describing his childhood, he retells the tale of Lisa meeting Dracula, something we've already seen and he was also obviously told about, not something he experienced himself. They couldn't even come up with another anedocte to actually tell us what kind of mother Lisa used to be. so lazy)

This show is half people sitting in a circle and talking, and half average fight scenes. Yeah at this point not even those impress me anymore. I'm serious when I say that Knuckles' fight scene in Divergence, also animated by Powerhouse Animation Studios, is of a better quality than what the show has offered.

And this is why I'm so reluctant to watch Nocturne. If the best seasons of this highly acclaimed show are so painful to sit through, how are we going to survive a sequel series that not even the fans liked it as much?

#anti netflixvania #to be updated #but man this show still pisses me off #knowing it's still being watched and praised and most of all used to shit on the games #mfw me and the besties resort to do voiceovers of the cod script to keep our sanity #beev rewatches nfcv

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ave-cave · 27 days ago

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In Defense/Analysis of Mahiru and Hiyoko's Relationship

Criticisms leveled at Hiyoko’s relationship with Mahiru are varied; engaging with the fanbase for this long has led me to some pretty specific ones, many I’d never even thought about (and that’s saying something because I spend way too much time analyzing them lmao). In the interest of not making this a novel, though, I’ll be focusing on the ones I see most often: “Mahiru didn't call Hiyoko out on her bullying,” “Mahiru standing up for Hiyoko in 2-2 was hypocritical” and “Mahiru and Hiyoko's relationship is wasted potential because Hiyoko dies in 2-3.”

As can probably be inferred from the title, this write-up aims to counter these criticisms, but if I’m being honest, it doubles as an attempt to explain why I like Mahiru and Hiyoko's dynamic as much as I do. They’re my favorites in the series bar none, so there’s no guarantee my points will be 100% free of bias, but I’ll do my best to consider each argument in good faith.

A few disclaimers first:

Spoilers for basically all of Goodbye Despair are incoming (if that wasn’t obvious lol)

All pink highlighted text is a link to a relevant Imgur image

Defending a character’s writing and defending their morality are two different things, and I intend to do only the former, especially with Hiyoko

It's more than fine if you dislike Mahiru or Hiyoko – this write-up wouldn’t exist if differing opinions didn’t – but please do try to approach my points with an open mind

Cool? Cool.

Turning a Blind Eye:

First thing’s first, the aspect of Mahiru and Hiyoko's relationship that I assume most earns Mahiru the “hypocrite” title: her ignoring Hiyoko’s bullying.

At a glance, I can’t say this criticism rings untrue. During my first playthrough, I also found myself agitated (and frankly confused) by how Hiyoko’s ill treatment (of everyone, but of Mikan in particular) kept flying under the radar. That said, upon review, I wouldn’t consider it a glaring oversight on the part of the writers the way some fans seem to; I think her behavior is handled as such by the narrative for a reason – albeit a frustrating one – and that this reason is key to understanding her relationship with Mahiru.

When it comes to the class as a whole, the most straightforward reason is that it’s rendered trivial by the killing game. In the midst of life or death, a pipsqueak tossing around juvenile insults is lucky to register as any kind of concern, let alone an urgent one – this made all the more apparent when you comb through her insult scenes and realize that most of them follow the same formula: jab → target’s reaction → another character rerouting the conversation to focus on the dangers at hand. Something similar can be said for why Teruteru’s sexual harassment and Kazuichi’s overstepping of Sonia’s boundaries are ignored in favor of continuing class-wide discussions (and on a more inoffensive note why comic relief moments, courtesy of Ibuki or Gundham, are so fleeting): the threat of the killing game overshadows all else. Only when a threat within the group becomes synonymous with the killing game is it addressed with nearly the same exigency (think Nagito post-chapter 1), otherwise, it might as well be nonexistent.

So basically, when forced to pick and choose what harm they respond to, more often than not the class opts for the harm that jumps out at them screaming “I’M HARMFUL.” If Hiyoko’s insults were the long and short of it, her conduct would be essentially harmless; rude at best and borderline malicious at worst, but overall inconsequential. Except that’s not the case. Why? Because two characters in particular – Mikan and Kazuichi – lack the self-esteem to brush them off as childish drivel. Through this, they become prime targets, and general unpleasantness gives way to full-on bullying…

… whiiich brings us to pitfall #2: while the other characters aren’t oblivious to Mikan and Kazuichi’s sensitivity per se, they aren’t actively mindful of it, either – especially not Mikan’s. They treat them either like any other classmate or – when their talents come in handy – like competent Ultimates. In most instances where Mikan breaks down (pre-trial 3 anyway), Hajime’s internal dialogue is something along the lines of, “She doesn’t need to cry and apologize so much” rather than, “Oh no, is she okay?” He’s concerned, just not enough to adjust his approach. The same goes for Kazuichi, particularly when his sensitivity causes him to freak out, giving the impression of cowardice. Ironically, by choosing those two as her main targets, Hiyoko may be the only person who “acknowledges” their low self-esteem as anything worth treating them differently over (though that’s obviously not to her credit since it’s in the most twisted way possible).

Of course, just off the top of my head, I can recall more instances of the perverted characters’ comments being called out than I can Hiyoko's, but I wouldn’t consider that an oversight, either. I’ve seen it argued that simply being childish is what gives Hiyoko a “pass” behavior-wise, and while I don’t think this is incorrect, I think it underestimates just how aware she is of the way she’s perceived, i.e., as younger (both physically and mentally) than her classmates. She doesn’t act the way she does and then expect her childlike image to compensate for it automatically; she’s in a constant, deliberate flip-flop between unapproachable and childish, because – while she is a paranoid individual who puts forth her assholish personality to avoid forming connections and facing betrayal – she’s also someone who likes to have her cake and eat it, too.

In her mind, so long as she can be simultaneously unlikable and unthreatening, she needn't fear going too far and making enemies (as opposed to just, y’know, not making friends), and to that end, she turns to her immature looks as a sort of “back-up” – a way of being avoided without being antagonized. This tactic, hinted at a few times in DR2 as well as other canon material, backfires, however, highlighting its fundamental flaw: sure, no one takes her seriously enough to get mad at her insults, but by the same token, no one takes her seriously in general – not even when she wants them to.

That’s not to say this concept is executed perfectly, mind you. As interesting as it may be on paper, even I have trouble suspending my disbelief in scenes where she’s downright cruel and yet no one bats an eye. I think there’s just enough (both in text and subtext) to justify her in-universe perception being what it is, so I can get past this, but I understand why some fans can’t – especially since Mikan and Kazuichi get the short end of the stick regardless.

Again, though, that’s the class as a whole. What about Mahiru specifically? From what I've seen, she’s frequently singled out by the fandom as the character most to blame for Hiyoko’s behavior going unchecked, and this is probably due to a few things:

Her emphasis on good manners and civility

Her friendship with Hiyoko making her a more responsible party for correcting the latter’s behavior

The opening scene of 2-2 in which she defends Hiyoko (I call it “the restaurant scene” for short because it takes place at the restaurant and I’m uncreative)

The second and third reasons go hand-in-hand, but I have a fair amount to say about the third, so I'll save it for the next section. The first and second I'll talk about here.

Hypocrisy is defined as not practicing what one preaches. One could argue that Mahiru employs hypocrisy when she preaches good manners and civility but a) doesn’t call Hiyoko out for being a bully, and b) becomes her friend. Do these arguments hold water? In my opinion, yes and no. Let me explain.

First, how does Hiyoko’s in-universe perception carry over to her relationship with Mahiru? Simply put, Mahiru isn’t immune to it. Like everyone else, she views Hiyoko as too childish to take seriously and dismisses her accordingly. This might seem like a non-starter for their relationship, but I actually think it’s what allows said relationship to work at all.

In terms of personality and values, Mahiru and Hiyoko are polar opposites. You don’t have to search far for evidence of this – it’s right there in their profiles, with Mahiru’s stating that she dislikes bad manners and Hiyoko’s that she dislikes being lectured. This contrast isn’t arbitrary. Far from it; it’s deliberate groundwork for a foil. Unlike most foil characters in the series, though, Mahiru and Hiyoko get along swimmingly. Why? Well, I’ll get more into the nitty-gritty of that later, but in short, it’s because – while Mahiru may not be immune to Hiyoko’s flip-flopping – her perception isn’t quite as limited by it as her peers’.

I've seen a few people claim that Hiyoko is “fawned over” by her classmates, but IMO, that's not really true. Instances of the others offering Hiyoko comfort/sympathy are pretty much exclusive to the second trial (after her name is cleared; before that they're slinging accusations at her left and right) and the scene where they discover her shrine (after Chiaki sheds light on its true purpose; before that they're rallying to burn it). In both, I think it's made fairly clear that they're doing it out of a sense of, “Wow, this killing game sucks and Hiyoko is kind of bearing the brunt of its terribleness right now,” not, “Wow, Hiyoko is so cute and precious.” That's nothing particular to her; every character who loses a loved one to the killing game is treated with some amount of tenderness afterwards, regardless of who they are or whether the loss is the result of their own actions. Where her Mahiru-related suffering isn't concerned, though, Hiyoko’s classmates more or less just tolerate her existence. They go, “Hey, there's the rude little girl we for some reason share a grade with” and continue about the island.

Of course, it’s no one's responsibility to parent their peer, and Hiyoko's other classmates aren't wrong for taking her at face value. But Mahiru is different; she takes responsibility for those around her whether they want her to or not. Her desire to bring out the best in others is what allows her to perceive Hiyoko as a child not just in temperament, but in impressionability, too. In other words, she’s the only one who sees potential in Hiyoko – with a nudge in the right direction – to mature and improve as a person. This is demonstrated when Hiyoko admits the reason behind her smell at the start of 2-2. Here, Mahiru doesn't join her peers in asking why a high schooler can't do something as simple as bathe, nor does she slap a band-aid on the problem and offer to tie Hiyoko’s kimono for her; she offers to teach her how to do it herself. If Hiyoko were a plain bully with zero (for lack of a better word) embellishments – if there was nothing to bridge the gap between her and Mahiru, like, say, a need for a role model – Mahiru would be more inclined to call her out, yes, but she’d also be less inclined to help her here. And in my opinion? This would hurt both of their characters in the long run. I’ll get to why in the last section.

Granted, this then begs the question: if Mahiru is the only one generous enough to believe Hiyoko can change for the better, why does she demonstrate this generosity only once, in a situation where Hiyoko is vulnerable rather than on the offense no less? Well, I don't think that's an arbitrary decision, either.

See, while it might not be a stretch to call Mahiru and Hiyoko “friends” from the POV of the entire Class 77B saga, in DR2 alone, it kind of is. Hiyoko’s quick and fervent attachment to Mahiru beginning with the restaurant scene can make it easy to forget that, all told, their relationship on the island spanned only three days. Moreover, the attachment was one-sided; Mahiru was surprised and somewhat exasperated by Hiyoko's clinginess, and while she didn’t outright reject her affections, reciprocating them came very much second to unraveling the secrets of the island – especially once the second motive was introduced.

Hell, eliminate the restaurant scene altogether and only two interactions between them remain: first an optional dialogue in which Mahiru lets Hiyoko drag her to the supermarket but warns that she’s busy and can’t spend too much time with her, then the off-screen meeting that we piece together in 2-2’s Closing Argument. But even following the restaurant scene – arguably the only one in which Mahiru is focused exclusively on Hiyoko – she shows reluctance to help Hiyoko shower and redress right away, considering the upcoming investigation a bigger priority. The morning after, although Hiyoko is still clinging to her, Mahiru doesn't acknowledge her at any point, focused instead on forcing Nekomaru and Kazuichi to give up Nagito’s location. Starting to notice a pattern?

Additionally, in the prologue, Mahiru joins the beach party while Hiyoko doesn’t. The first morning of the killing game (also Hiyoko’s first Mikan-bullying scene), Mahiru is away almost the entire time fetching Kazuichi. During the first investigation, Mahiru stays by the Imposter’s body while Hiyoko goes to the supermarket. A couple mornings later, Mahiru doesn’t come to breakfast at all while Hiyoko does. This leaves only a handful of Monokuma announcements, two investigations, a trial (that is, killing game-related things that everyone has to gather in one place for anyway) and a few other misc. scenes, most of which are devoid of interactions between the two. So in other words, the amount of time they spend in each other’s presence is just as scant as their “bonding” moments.

None of this is to diminish the ultimate impact of their relationship (I’m working up to that slowly if you couldn’t tell lol), but it is to say that describing them as “friends” within the confines of DR2 is maybe pushing it. I may refer to them as such in write-ups (half for the sake of brevity and half because Danganronpa presents friend as a generic term for harmony within the group), but in fact, the only time Mahiru or Hiyoko is called the other’s friend is in 2-3, when Chiaki prompts Hiyoko to consider what Mahiru would say about Fuyuhiko’s seppuku. Chiaki is well-meaning, and while her observations about her classmates aren't off the mark per se, they're sometimes lacking in nuance – likely by virtue of her being an AI with a limited framework for understanding people. We as players, on the other hand, can be a bit more discerning: there was a single scene in which Mahiru was focused on Hiyoko and Hiyoko only, and by the time it was over, she’d already shifted her attention back to the killing game. Two days later, she died. I’d be concerned if anyone besides Chiaki called that friendship.

Consider Fuyuhiko for a moment. The fact that Mahiru has basically double the interactions with him than she does Hiyoko is an immediate tip-off that Hiyoko isn't her prime concern. She’s on positive terms with Hiyoko, whereas she and Fuyuhiko butt heads constantly, so it should be the other way around, right? Nope. Fuyuhiko represents a threat synonymous with the killing game due to his threats of continuing it (plus his overall lack of cooperation), and so reining him in is automatically higher on her list of priorities.

And that's the thing: despite being a grade-a cunt, Hiyoko is cooperative. She doesn’t create rifts within the group the way Fuyuhiko does pre-trial 2, let alone entertain the idea of the killing game. She doesn’t try to “other” herself, and while she might not be very useful in investigations, she doesn’t outright refuse to partake in them (she goes to the supermarket for snacks instead of investigating, but she's willing to help Hajime confirm important items are missing from the shelves.) Working against the killing game in any way – including just by cooperating – is an immediate incentive for Mahiru to go easier on anyone (yes, even boys). This, coupled with the aforementioned flip-flopping effect, makes it so Hiyoko only shows up on her radar when she starts crying over her kimono in 2-2, whereas Fuyuhiko shows up the moment he starts threatening to kill someone.

Due to her early death and the fact that – again – she shares so few scenes with Hiyoko to begin with, the number of times Mahiru witnesses the latter bullying Mikan is a comparatively small five: three times in the first trial (one of which is during a Nonstop Debate), once the morning after the trial and once while investigating the abandoned ruins.

During the first trial, Mahiru is among the students most focused on solving the murder, and only when liabilities to the group’s cooperation (i.e., Fuyuhiko still threatening people, Kazuichi and Nekomaru embarrassing Peko and derailing the discussion about her alibi) does she feel the need to police anyone's behavior. Hiyoko is a complete and utter bitch to Mikan here, but given her remarks don't noticeably hamper the discussion, it's unfortunately not hard to see why everyone – Mahiru included – dismisses them as playground nonsense.

Likewise, during the second island investigation, Mahiru is fully immersed in the conversation about the ruins and pays no attention to anything besides it, not even Hiyoko mentioning that they bathed together (something she'd previously expressed embarrassment over). The morning after the trial is definitely the odd one out; Mahiru is distraught over the Imposter and Teruteru, but there’s nothing more pressing to attend to, and reprimanding Hiyoko would cost her little in the focus department. Like the others, she just doesn't take it seriously. Is her lack of intervention here unjustified? For sure. Is she more at fault for not stepping in than anyone else? I'd argue no.

Kazuichi is a similar case. Mahiru is there for four of the scenes in which he’s bullied: once before the Imposter’s first meeting, twice while investigating the park’s giant timer and once during the first trial. Everything I said about Mikan applies here as well, but there’s the added layer that Mahiru is harder on boys, and so when Hiyoko calls Kazuichi a coward for trying to run away or a loser for insulting others to gain Sonia’s favor, Mahiru may not agree with the form, but she might as well agree with the content. Again, does that make her silence right? No. Just explainable.

All in all, what I’m getting at is that Mahiru’s role modeling (in DR2’s main story anyway) isn’t supposed to extend beyond the restaurant scene. At no point in 2-2 is correcting Hiyoko’s behavior a consistent goal for her, and while I think it's 100% fair to argue that it should've been, I only half-agree – again, for reasons I'll get to in section three. Since I’m not sure I can explain the purpose of Mahiru's guidance in DR2 without repeating myself in the future, for now I’ll just highlight what it aims to achieve in other installments.

Granted, most spin-off interactions are one-on-one, meaning only the TSMC and DRS exist to show how Mahiru responds to Hiyoko’s bullying in a non-killing game setting. I’d argue that neither disappoints, however; she’s shown more than once to instruct Hiyoko on how to act in both. What I like about this portrayal is that Mahiru’s gentle approach stays the same; only the sense of urgency with which she addresses Hiyoko’s behavior changes. As far as she's concerned, Hiyoko is still a child in need of teaching, but now – with the stakes that much lower – she’s also evidently a bully in need of reining in.

These scenes make Mahiru one of few characters to try to temper Hiyoko’s cruelty at any point in the series. You know who doesn’t ever try, not even outside of the killing game? Most of the DR2 cast, who end up witnessing far more frequent and targeted bullying than Mahiru does simply by virtue of outliving her. These characters include:

the self-appointed leader of the group who either ignores Hiyoko’s comments or finds the ones directed at him funny

the protagonist of the game whose inner monologue consistently acknowledges how terrible Hiyoko’s behavior is, but never calls it out

the Ultimate Team Manager (who also plays along with insults directed at him) and Princess, whose talents center around order and unity

the Observer AI whose #1 objective is ensuring that everyone gets along no matter what

Of course, how much incentive and/or know-how someone has for stopping a bully is unimportant when a simple “cut it out” would suffice. At the end of the day, the fact remains that everyone – Mahiru included – turned a blind eye to bullying during the killing game, and there’s no good excuse for that. My aim in pointing this out is not to absolve Mahiru altogether, rather, to put into perspective why it may be unfair to saddle her with all, let alone most of the blame.

So at last, with all of that explanation out of the way, is Mahiru a hypocrite when it comes to her handling of Hiyoko vs. others? Well, sure. She’s hypocritical in the sense that she exercises a double standard, i.e., cuts Hiyoko more slack than she does the rest of the class. But is that double standard exclusive to her? Not really. If anything, by not dismissing her as a child through and through, she holds Hiyoko to a higher standard than most of her classmates do, and this gets its proper chance to shine outside of the killing game. Moreover, her double standard isn’t the product of favoritism; to the contrary, if guiding Hiyoko took precedence over the killing game in her mind, their interactions wouldn’t be so few and far between. Calling Hiyoko out isn’t one of her priorities, but neither is being her friend.

In light of this, I think a better question is whether Mahiru’s hypocrisy is conscious or not. Conscious hypocrisy applies when someone regards two or more things as being on the same level but treats one differently anyway. That isn’t the case with Mahiru, who – alongside her peers – treats Hiyoko’s behavior differently (i.e., more leniently) because she genuinely regards it as nickel-and-dime. If you’d still consider that unconscious hypocrisy, that’s fair. Again, I just don’t think there’s any point in singling her out.

Speaking of singling out…

The Restaurant Scene:

The opening scene of 2-2 wherein Mahiru and Hiyoko become “friends” is where I’ve noticed a lot of fans’ ire with their relationship comes from. It’s a fairly popular opinion (as far as I’m aware) to consider Mahiru’s defense of Hiyoko here hypocritical, and honestly? While I disagree, I don’t really blame people for seeing it that way. I had to give her actions some extra thought before they started making sense to me, and I think the scene as a whole requires a lot of reading in between the lines + background knowledge to make heads or tails of. Here’s my personal reading of it and why I’d consider it misunderstood.

Immediately upon entering the restaurant, the brooding atmosphere hits hard; everyone* is in silent mourning of the Imposter and Teruteru, too overwhelmed by the events of the night prior to make conversation. Mahiru is no exception; she can hardly muster a “good morning” to Hajime…

… *everyone besides Hiyoko, that is. Just as immediately, she starts badmouthing Teruteru, claiming he deserved to die for his crime and therefore shouldn't be mourned. Cue record scratch.

What does Mahiru say in response to this? Nothing. But her silence isn’t for lack of caring – quite the opposite.

See, the crucial thing to understand about Mahiru (and probably her most glaring flaw) is that, despite her headstrong attitude and emphasis on “doing the right thing,” she doesn’t always know what the right thing is. She lacks the confidence necessary to support her levelheadedness, and so she agonizes and deliberates. This is the driving force behind most of her actions, and I think the restaurant scene serves to foreshadow its role in her final confrontation with Fuyuhiko.

Think about the things Mahiru jumps down her peers’ throats about: all relatively “simple” moral dilemmas concerning impropriety, threats, reckless decision-making, etc. Then compare all of that to the dilemma Hiyoko brings into question here. Do the ends justify the means when it comes to reuniting with family? Is trading the lives of 15 strangers for one important person right? Mahiru doesn’t know; she’s never had to think about it before. Even if she disagrees on principle, who is she to tell this girl she barely knows that she shouldn’t feel relief over the death of someone who tried to get them all executed? Only later, after having given it ample thought, does she come to terms with this dilemma – and in the meantime, Peko steps in, possibly also foreshadowing her familiarity with topics like execution.

Soon thereafter, Hiyoko is identified as the source of a bad smell, and while most of the comments that follow are born of genuine concern for her hygiene, Gundham and Kazuichi’s are a wee bit insensitive. Mahiru says as much in a single line, and here’s where I think some interpretations of the restaurant scene miss the point. Nowhere during this exchange does Mahiru accuse anyone of bullying Hiyoko. The reason she intervenes has everything to do with her flaw regarding moral dilemmas, and – up until her offer to help Hiyoko with her kimono – almost nothing to do with Hiyoko herself. “Is it rude to harp on a sensitive hygiene issue outside of one’s control” is already a dilemma far simpler than “should a murderer be mourned," but the added layer of disregarding a lecture and doing the same thing the next morning makes it a no-brainer. Mahiru doesn’t care that Hiyoko is the target of a few obtuse comments, she cares that the guys didn’t listen to her the night before – something she makes clear by opening her sentence with, “I’ve said it before, but…”

After this is when her intervention starts being about Hiyoko. She says she’ll teach Hiyoko a simple obi knot, and only then does the latter stop crying. Here’s where background knowledge factors in.

Basically, a few in-game clues – combined with her FTEs and Island Mode – reveal that Hiyoko was forced at a young age to leave her parents’ home and move in with her grandmother, who then put her to work studying the traditional dance for which the Saionji Clan is famous. Hiyoko's status as the next head of the family made her subject to great cruelty at the hands of jealous rivals, and as a result, she grew to resent it. Her grandmother became aware of this resentment, and to prevent Hiyoko from shirking her responsibilities, she spoiled her into total dependence, neglecting to teach her basic life skills – including though not limited to dressing herself – and ensuring that dance was her only area of proficiency. This led to Hiyoko forming an inferiority complex around her lack of self-sustainability.

Said inferiority complex contextualizes how Mahiru’s offer registered to Hiyoko: not as a basic gesture of compassion, but as something far greater. Instead of offering to take care of it for her, Mahiru offered to teach her how to take care of it herself, and this meant that Hiyoko not only automatically trusted her, but had every reason to see her as a role model; as someone whose example could be followed. This childlike admiration becomes all the more relevant later.

Honestly, as much as I understand criticisms of the restaurant scene from a, “Mahiru should have also defended Mikan/Kazuichi” standpoint, I do less from a, “She shouldn’t have helped Hiyoko” one. I already outlined where I think her blindspots lie in terms of calling Hiyoko out (and how said blindspots aren't unique to her), but of the characters most consistently mindful of Mikan/Kazuichi otherwise, I’d argue she’s up there (although, again, no one is nearly as mindful of them as they should be).

She’s the only person to insist on helping Mikan up after she falls for the first time; she expresses concern over the floorboards in the abandoned building being a tripping hazard for her; she firmly refuses Ibuki’s suggestion of taking pictures after she falls for the second time; she reprimands Fuyuhiko for threatening to sell her to a whorehouse in the first trial; and when Monokuma pressures the class into playing the TSMC arcade game, she warns Mikan against it. Granted, there aren't as many instances of her sticking up for Kazuichi, but it's worth noting that – despite her prior insistence that he needed to “man up” – she defends him when Fuyuhiko taunts him over his fear of the Monobeasts.

Don’t get me wrong, I do wish that she did the additional service of holding Hiyoko accountable for her bullying, but the fact that she didn't doesn't render her intervention here hypocritical, IMO. Again, her defense of Hiyoko was prompted by frustration over the guys embarrassing her after they'd already done the same to Peko; it's something she would have defended any of the girls for, and as highlighted above, she arguably did defend Mikan on the embarrassment front both times she fell.

As for offering Hiyoko help, I don't see how that's hypocritical, either. If this scene is indicative of anything, it's that Hiyoko – while a rotten bully – is still human at the end of the day. The fact that she's a little shit and the fact that she's so helpless she can't get dressed by herself can coexist; offering her the bare minimum compassion for the latter isn't giving her a free ticket to continue being the former – it's just that: the bare minimum compassion. She needed help, and if Mahiru wouldn't give it to her, who would? Maybe it'd be karmic to let her go around the island smelling like sewage, but it sure as hell wouldn't be sustainable.

More than once in her screentime is Mahiru shown to extend compassion to someone who isn’t an unambiguously good person, something else that becomes all the more relevant later. She makes a genuine effort to sympathize with Teruteru’s motive despite not agreeing with his actions; she brings food to a tied-up Nagito (twice, for that matter) despite the chaos he’d sown the previous chapter; and she laments Natsumi’s murder despite knowing how badly the latter treated others, herself included. In view of this, helping a bully dress herself is not only in-character for Mahiru, but by far the least “extreme” of her acts of compassion. I’d also argue that it pays off in a few different ways.

Why I Think it Works:

So far, I’ve offered explanations as to why nothing holds Mahiru and Hiyoko’s relationship back, but I’ve yet to explain what I think pushes it forward. Let me rectify that.

Following the second trial, Hiyoko’s hostility toward those around her is amped up to 11. The third island investigation has her intentionally manipulate Akane into exploring the motel on her behalf, and when Hajime talks to her, not only does she insult him right off the bat, she's openly classist toward him, equating the unsanitary, rundown motel to his house. This is low, even for her, and considering the events of the previous chapter, it’s not exactly a mystery why.

See, Mahiru's death sets itself apart from others in the series in that it isn't an immediate incentive for the person closest to her to change. Hiyoko doesn't get the tried and true “character loses a friend and is motivated to better themselves as a result” type arc – not toot sweet, anyway – because, unlike, say, Sakura, Peko or Tenko, Mahiru had no last words, no last message of strength or wisdom for her. Her murder was a source of conflict and animosity – nothing more, nothing less.

As is first established following Teruteru’s execution, Hiyoko has a retribution-oriented mindset not too far off from Fuyuhiko’s “an eye for an eye.” She doesn't believe in redemption; she holds onto grudges indefinitely; and most of all, she believes killers deserve to die themselves. This mindset is yet another manifestation of her paranoia – of being conditioned all her life to believe that everyone is out to get her. Unlike Fuyuhiko, whose terrible attitude was a mask he wore to compensate for his insecurities about leading his clan, Hiyoko’s is an extension of her paranoid worldview; an ingrained trait.

And that’s honestly why I only half-agree with the argument that Mahiru should have reprimanded her in DR2. Would it have worked to give Mikan/Kazuichi some peace of mind? Absolutely, and that’s reason enough. But to change Hiyoko’s behavior in the long run? I doubt it. It would address the bullying in the moment, but it wouldn’t get to the root of the problem, i.e. the backwards defense mechanism from which said bullying stems. The only reason Mahiru’s guidance outside of DR2 (as underscored earlier) has any effect is that Hiyoko is already in a safe environment with friends whom she trusts, far away from her family and their perilous traditions. Though her lizard brain instinct is still to be as nasty as possible, the proper groundwork is there for her to integrate Mahiru’s guidance and improve her behavior over time… groundwork that's practically nonexistent in DR2’s killing game.

But anyway, back to 2-3. Speaking of Fuyuhiko, Hiyoko applies her rigid point of view to him in this chapter. The fact that she considers him an irredeemable killer is only a sliver of the real issue, however; more relevant is that clear indications of his wanting to turn over a new leaf register to her as a way of dodging responsibility. No matter how sincere in his resolve he may be, she sees only the worst in him. She is, after all, paranoid.

Hiyoko’s shrine, while testament to her love for Mahiru, is kind of a… development red herring so to speak. Setting aside her insecurities to perform a task outside her (forced) field of expertise is a feat for her – don't get me wrong – but it isn't really a change; she’d never hesitated before to show vulnerability when it came to Mahiru, whether by saying to her face that she loved her or expressing how much she missed her when she was gone. It's only when she confronts Fuyuhiko about Mahiru and Peko’s deaths, and he responds by committing seppuku, that we see dynamics start to shift.

Here, Hiyoko is stunned into horrified silence, and that in and of itself speaks volumes. She believes strongly that all killers deserve to die, doesn't she? So then why does she go quiet? Why doesn't she take advantage of Fuyuhiko’s clear instability to get him to finish the job? It’s not because she doesn’t want to die herself; the last trial established beyond a shadow of a doubt that only the person to deliver the killing blow is punished. It's because she realizes something: that isn't what Mahiru would want.

In contrast to both Hiyoko and Fuyuhiko, retribution was never Mahiru's MO. She wished zero harm upon anyone no matter what they'd done; she extended compassion to everyone, even killers; she disapproved of cruel and unusual punishment; and she showed particular distaste for acts of revenge. Of course, in keeping with her fatal flaw, she didn't always go about these ideals in the right way. She covered up a murder in a desperate bid to protect her friend from the yakuza’s twisted “justice,” and she scolded an enraged Fuyuhiko for continuing the cycle of revenge while he was interrogating her about his sister – both shortsighted actions that she paid the ultimate price for.

But by the same token, she kept thinking about Teruteru's actions after the restaurant scene and concluded that he didn’t, in fact, deserve to die for his crime. She forced Nekomaru and Kazuichi to give up Nagito’s location, chastised them for hogtying and starving him and brought him breakfast when nobody else would. She spent days deliberating over how best to make amends with Fuyuhiko, even though his threatening letter – combined with the knowledge of the game’s true ending – would have been more than enough to convince the others to restrain him like Kazuichi wanted (not to mention the most obvious thing to do for her own protection). If she had thought more like Hiyoko and dismissed Fuyuhiko as an irredeemable murderer from the get-go, the opportunity to lure her to the beach house would have never existed.

The ideals driving these actions, made explicit in her final words to Fuyuhiko, all contributed to a lasting legacy, and Hiyoko considering that legacy in order to forgive Fuyuhiko is what makes her arc so powerful to me. Losing the only person on the island whom she trusted – hell, having that trust taken advantage of by the ones responsible – could have foreclosed on all progress right then and there. Mahiru's guidance was limited to a single act of compassion that had (seemingly) nothing to do with what she stood for. Being framed for her murder put Hiyoko in a vulnerable position from which she believed she could only recover by becoming meaner. And as the only one left still personally affected by Fuyuhiko’s actions, she had to watch as everyone else welcomed him back with open arms, causing her to lose last resource: her footing within the group as the rude but cooperative one. But because Mahiru’s compassion reached her in a fundamental way – because she valued her enough to consider her unspoken ideals – she managed to defy the odds and change anyway. Not because Mahiru told her to, but because she wanted to.

And so at last, that's why I think the way their relationship was written – with a brief but meaningful role model dynamic, limited intervention on Mahiru's side and childlike admiration on Hiyoko's – ultimately worked in both of their favors. It allowed Mahiru's impact to carry on past 2-2 (more extensively anyway, as it would have played into Fuyuhiko’s arc regardless; his desire to make amends using the second chance given to him by Peko was no coincidence), and it made it so the sincerity other arcs work hard to convey is there by default with Hiyoko’s – just by virtue of it happening at all. Do I still wish Mahiru called Hiyoko out on her bullying for Mikan and Kazuich’s sakes? Yep. I just wouldn't change her lack of involvement otherwise.

As a side note, it’s also why I can’t get behind the idea that Mahiru ever “enabled” Hiyoko. An enabler is someone who, well, enables something – usually a behavior, right? Remove the enabler from the equation, and the enabled behavior should become harder to maintain. So what would become of Hiyoko if she never “befriended” Mahiru? Well… she’d smell worse. She’d like one fewer person. That’s about it. Not receiving Mahiru’s compassion wouldn’t have done much of anything, but receiving it made a world of difference.

Hell, even if we strip away Mahiru's primary impact on Hiyoko, i.e. jumpstarting her development in 2-3, I’d argue that what we’re left with in 2-2 is still unequivocally positive. Helping Hiyoko shower and tie her kimono were both good things that improved the lives of everyone on the island. Nobody had to deal with Hiyoko’s stench anymore, but on top of that, given the option, Hiyoko spent her time clinging to Mahiru instead of going around bullying others. Keep in mind, Hiyoko is someone who believes she doesn't need friends or close contacts. Before Mahiru, she reasoned that, as long as she could learn to be self-sustaining, she’d never have to rely on anyone who might betray her; she could eschew human connection and ensure her safety forevermore. But then Mahiru earned her trust in one fell swoop, and suddenly she was prioritizing the pursuit of friendship over the prevention of betrayal, if with just one person. I don't think that should be understated.

Sorry, I keep getting sidetracked. Back to 2-3.

True to the killing game, though, just because a character experiences a breakthrough doesn't mean it’s all sunshine and rainbows from that point forward. The objective of the first half of Hiyoko’s arc, i.e., forgiving Fuyuhiko, is complete. She’s already well on her way to vanquishing her paranoia – to having her worldview reformed by Mahiru’s ideals and doing away with her ugly defense mechanism in the process. Nothing can stop her from improving further…

… is what we're led to believe. But then comes Nekomaru’s sacrifice. That’s when things take a nosedive.

Witnessing Nekomaru – essentially the pinnacle of strength – try to save his friend and get demolished as a result reinforces the very paranoia Hiyoko was striving to overcome. It reminds her of her own fragile mortality within the killing game and serves as irrefutable proof – in her mind, anyway – that connection leads only to death. Based on two lines, one from the second trial and the other from Hiyoko’s Island Mode ending, I think it can also be inferred that she projects herself onto Nekomaru here; she wishes she could have protected Mahiru the way Nekomaru tried to do Akane, but the fact that Mahiru is gone, and – as far as she’s aware – Nekomaru is now, too, only further cements her paranoid outlook.

Something else I think is notable about this scene, albeit a minor detail, is how Hiyoko addresses Akane. She singles Akane out, asking if she understands that Nekomaru died on account of their friendship. And while she's obviously rude about it, interestingly enough, she's not condescending. As mentioned earlier, one of this chapter’s first indications that Hiyoko was trying to shore up her bully persona (after the blow that was Mahiru's trial) was her bragging about manipulating Akane. There, she went out of her way to call Akane a useful idiot who's only good for dirty work. And yet, in this scene, not only does she ask with full candor if Akane understands the gravity of the situation, she’s disappointed when she doesn't. Disappointment implies there were expectations to begin with. I don't point this out to say this scene isn't a relapse on Hiyoko's part – it 100% is. If anything, I think it goes to show the extent of her breakdown: she's so distraught, she doesn't care anymore if she has to contradict her own malice to drive her point home.

Hiyoko’s relapse (and subsequent death) is why I assume her relationship with Mahiru is so often considered a waste. I may be something of an outlier in that I’ve never minded Hiyoko’s send-off from a writing standpoint and think only its incorporation into the case/deadly life is shoddy – but staying with the topic of this write-up, I’ll focus less on why I wouldn’t consider Hiyoko’s character as a whole wasted and more on why I wouldn’t consider her relationship with Mahiru wasted (even if the two go hand-in-hand to some degree).

The morning after Nekomaru's sacrifice, Hiyoko is seen mourning at Mahiru’s shrine. Choosing to talk to her triggers a rant about Nagito and how he pissed her off by lying about seeing Mahiru alive. She tearfully proclaims that she hates being lied to and won’t be satisfied until Nagito is brutalized as punishment, this clearly alluding to her heightened paranoia. It wouldn't even be the first time Nagito has lied to her, but comparing her reaction then vs. now, it becomes clear just how badly she's spiraling.

After this, the Despair Disease motive is officially introduced by Monokuma, and the afflicted students are brought to the hospital. Those remaining (minus Mikan, who’s tending to the patients) convene in the hospital lobby to discuss a plan of action, and that's when Hiyoko begins to insist on a quarantine.

I was honestly kind of surprised by how satisfied this scene's handling of Hiyoko left me feeling, and the more I analyze why, the more it all ties back to Mahiru.

Perhaps most obvious is her behavior. While she’s still not exactly a joy to be around, she's noticeably mellowed out. Upon review, I can count on one hand the number of times she says something rude:

When Gundham and Kazuichi debate the ethics of Mikan changing Nagito’s clothes (prompting this hilarious line), Hiyoko calls their conversation stupid and tells them to focus

When Hajime questions what she means by “isolate the patients,” she condescendingly asks him why he doesn’t get it

When explaining the purpose of the quarantine, she remarks (to no one in particular) that “even a preschooler knows” the only option when a disease is incurable is to stop it from spreading

When Gundham insists that everyone else station at the motel, she acquiesces with a, “Jeez, how annoying…”

Her nastiest remark by far is “I want them [the patients] to at least have the decency to consider committing suicide before they start bothering us.” Now, don’t get me wrong, this is a hideous thing to say under any circumstances, and there's no excuse for it. It puts a bad taste in my mouth. That said, with how unusually tame the rest of her dialogue is (hell, she refers to Mikan twice without so much as an insult to boot), I don’t think such an extreme comment is included arbitrarily. I think it's part of a deliberate pattern.

The bulk of Hiyoko’s arc this chapter – both positive and negative – has operated on the principle of “show, don’t tell.” This made sense before, but it makes extra sense now: because she’s too afraid to showcase vulnerability outright, the story has to find roundabout ways to convey that she isn’t as heartless as she would prefer to be seen.

Exhibit A: she claimed to believe that all killers deserve death, but when given the chance to coerce a killer into suicide, she faltered.

Exhibit B: she callously remarked that Fuyuhiko deserved his injuries, but when given the chance not to attend his recovery party, she did anyway. She tried to pass it off as an interest in the party itself, but never before had she established herself as a party-lover – quite the opposite; she called the Imposter’s party “lame” in 2-1 – making this an obvious bluff. So obvious, in fact, that Hajime “I know Nagito has the Liar Disease but I’ll take his words literally” Hinata immediately sees through it.

Exhibit C: at the party, she insisted that Fuyuhiko wasn’t forgiven yet and promised that, if push came to shove, he’d bear the brunt of any dangerous situation. But when given the chance to make good on this promise and force him to stay at the hospital, the idea didn’t even cross her mind. It was Fuyuhiko who rose to the occasion.

And finally, Exhibit D: she claims to wish the Despair Disease patients would kill themselves, but when given a chance to ditch – to give into her paranoia right away – she takes on a de-facto leader role in forming the plan to keep the patients safe. She doesn’t just come up with the idea, she spearheads the whole thing, from assigning her classmates roles to prompting Kazuichi to design a communication method between the hospital and motel. The player can’t progress to the next scene without speaking specifically to her.

So then… how does this all tie back to Mahiru? Well, I like to think of it in terms of before vs. after Nekomaru's sacrifice.

Before Nekomaru's sacrifice, it was Mahiru’s ideals of restoration that allowed Hiyoko to forgive Fuyuhiko, thereby doing away with some of her paranoia. After, it’s Mahiru’s ideals of teamwork that allow her to help combat the Despair Disease. Recall that, in the aftermath of the sacrifice, Hiyoko claimed there was no value in working together and that she didn’t want to be involved in any team efforts. Then why, pray tell, does she work together with her peers in this scene? Because it’s a last-ditch effort at honoring Mahiru – at doing what Mahiru would’ve done.

Of course, I say “last-ditch” because, no matter which way you slice it, the damage is already done. Hiyoko can work with her classmates to prevent another killing, but she can’t trust them – can’t get close to them. Mahiru’s ideals are strong, but in the face of overwhelming paranoia, they’re only enough to allow Hiyoko one final bow before she sequesters herself in her room.

We're given the impression that this withdrawal is just another act of selfishness – that Hiyoko is just trying to avoid the Despair Disease – but that turns out to be only part of the reason. Flash forward to the investigation, we learn that it was yet another last-ditch effort, this time to honor Mahiru by bathing and then tying her kimono the way she was taught. In her now empty motel room, Sonia expresses a regret: she didn’t understand what Hiyoko was going through – not really – and so she gave her some advice about a mirror then left her alone. It all comes together thematically from there.

Because of Hiyoko’s takeaway from Nekomaru’s sacrifice, she closed herself off from her peers (both literally and figuratively), and this furthered the divide between her and Fuyuhiko’s arcs. Nekomaru’s words caused Fuyuhiko to realize that this new life of his wasn’t a spare; it was precious. Nekomaru’s actions, on the other hand, caused Hiyoko to realize that her life was a fragile thing, and instead of becoming self-preserving like Fuyuhiko, she became self-isolating. She believed the only way to avoid a meaningless death was to go it alone, but going it alone – that is, isolating herself to the point where no one could understand her enough to help her – became her undoing.

But was that undoing meaningless? From an overarching narrative standpoint, maybe. Her death has no lasting impact on the rest of the story (she comes up again only when her grown-up picture is discovered in 2-6), and the way it’s incorporated into the trial is downright sloppy. But when it comes to her death by itself – to the individual story it tells – boy oh boy does it have meaning, and the character most to thank for that is undoubtedly Mahiru.

Mahiru is what allows Hiyoko’s death to feel like something built up to, like something character-driven, as opposed to a shoehorned-in, hollow chapter 3 death. She makes it so that Hiyoko’s “wrong place, wrong time” scenario – while unlucky – is anything but random. The reason Hiyoko finds herself in that wrong place at the wrong time isn't sporadic misfortune; it’s the result of her grief, paranoia, lack of self-sustainability – and even to some extent even DR2’s theme of the burden of talent. It’s the tragedy to Fuyuhiko’s triumph and a poignant subversion of the usual Danganronpa formula, with Mahiru at the heart of it.

Mikan being the one to kill Hiyoko only works as well as it does because of Mahiru, too. She didn't do it out of spite, didn't hunt Hiyoko down or kidnap her. Hiyoko just happened to walk in on her killing Ibuki. But again, while this may be unlucky, it’s not at all random – not from a storytelling angle. Hiyoko heads to the music venue in the first place in a bid to prove her independence, yes, but it’s only because Mahiru has become so enmeshed with her idea of independence that this is the case. If being independent were the only thing driving her, she wouldn’t have found herself struggling with her kimono to begin with. She would have weathered the storm and gone without bathing until the Despair Disease passed. She’d done it before, after all. But she was desperate to honor Mahiru, to prove that Mahiru’s death wasn’t in vain because – hey, look – she’s self-sustaining now. Honoring Mahiru became her way of regaining control over not just her hygiene, but her life as well.

Speaking of control, bullying Mikan was one of the few things – squishing ants included – that served to give Hiyoko the sense of control over things for which she longed. Even at Fuyuhiko's recovery party, she used Mikan as an emotional scapegoat to avoid coming across as vulnerable, insulting her to distract from the fact that she’d just forgiven Mahiru’s killer. And yet, here, in her last-ditch effort to prove her independence – to prove her control – Mikan becomes that final, uncontrollable variable. She uses Hiyoko to regain control over things, and Hiyoko is helpless to stop it. This subtle role reversal is a refreshing instance of nuance in an otherwise very heavy-handed case; I’d take it over a cliché revenge plotline anyday.

And as if the irony of the situation weren't already there in spades, consider this: Hiyoko believed that human connection was a death sentence, and while she was mistaken when it came to everyone else, she was right when it came to Mahiru. Her inability to let Mahiru go is what led her to her own demise. The story doesn't say one way or another if her outlook is right or wrong; it lays the facts out on the table and lets the player decide for themselves. Although I do think some interpretations of her character are more correct than others, Hiyoko is ultimately up in the air to discuss, and that’s something I can appreciate about any character.

All in all, if a death symbolic of Hiyoko's lifelong demons is what her journey in 2-3 was building to from the start (which I firmly believe it was), then in order for Mahiru's impact to not be wasted, she just had to remain instrumental to that journey until the very end. In that sense, I'd say she succeeded.

Conclusion:

Hear that? That's the sound of my fingers dying.

Well then, it seems we’ve reached the end. Yay. :)

This took me over a month to complete, and I’m honestly happy with how it came out. I wish I’d discovered how fun it is to write argumentative pieces like this sooner – though, then again, having posted this means I won’t be beating the “obsessed with Mahiru and Hiyoko” allegations anytime soon lol. Hopefully you found some of my points compelling, regardless of what you personally think of either of them.

Thanks for reading!

#danganronpa #danganronpa 2 #danganronpa 2 goodbye despair #sdr2 #mahiru koizumi #hiyoko saionji

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dapperrokyuu · 1 year ago

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Alright now that I’ve seen the end Slay the Princess, who’s your favorite princess?

Ill do you even better and give you my top 5/the ones Id love to get if I played the game, just to see their sequences in the end and how itd reflect on that version of the player (literally made a list for fun just before you sent this ask, hehe).

Admittedly, a lot of this is informed by aesthetic and then enjoyment of their routes because I came into (watching Manlybadasshero play) the game after some fandom osmosis–thus, understanding I wouldnt have all my thoughts together within one playthrough. So I cant say Ive devoted my satisfactory amount of attention to speak on the princesses’ narrative presence... But I did rewatch their routes and “Thoughts on this vessel?” sections a bit to formulate a stronger opinion. Here we go...! (Buckle in, fellas, haha ha h a…)

1. Adversary/Eye of the Needle

The Adversary and the Eye of the Needle are very hand in hand imo, and I love the progression into a dragon-like appearance for the latter, especially in combination with the cabin becoming akin to a dragon’s den. This (combination of) routes stands out the most to me (as far as Manly has played) because I personally feel its the one where the princess is the most active and engaged. Whether its being beaten to death or running for one’s life, the route was very exciting for me! And it was intriguing how the princess and player felt the most on equal ground because they are both intent on pursuing some objective. Its just that in this case–and this is how this princess exceeds and is an overwhelming presence compared to the player–the princess is set on a choice they dont care to deny and the player is a creature of the habit called “deliberation,” as narrator aside, in-universe reasons aside, the very structure of Slay the Princess has taught you to constantly pause and consider your choices.

It contributes to the tone of the routes so well! Even if you can sit forever in the Outside World, the game progresses like a split second decision and/or that any time given to you is at the princess’s turbulent discretion. In a game where your choices tend to matter most (which, frankly, they do, its kind of the whole point, but you may not know that your choices are what caused this situation yet, lol), the princess seeming to supercede you and the narrative and the concept of death is!!! Powerful and quite something, lol. And poignant, considering *gestures vaguely but particularly at the Narrator*.

Otherwise, I love how theres apparently many more and amusing divergences in this route (that Manly did not showcase) and the ending is pretty cathartic. And to keep this a bit short, yadda yadda, dragon dens is where they store and protect their treasure and in this case, the treasure is fighting you, yadda yadda, as the vessel of growth, the princess’s embracing of the cycle of violence between you two is her latching onto the only avenue of growth she can perceive (as opposed to escaping–since you didnt offer that option prior–and dying since thats tend to be the stop to the concept of growth), yadda yadda-

2. Spectre

This princess’s voicework is probably my favorite! The whispering under the regular voice acting is just really neat, doing a great job setting a tone of something delicate, chilling, and unnerving. The princess’s design shifts between cute and scary very well too! Her personality is probably my fave overall; while her “thoughts on this vessel?” section highlights her embodying kindness and understanding, they only exist to an extent that is fair. Which is, well. Fair. And I think it extra emphasizes the understanding aspect, with how the princess is aware of her circumstances and the injustices that have occurred yet is willing to let bygones be bygones. Shes coy, sincere, and pragmatically deadly, which is a full spectrum of delight for me!

The moment that really gets me regarding her character is when you say youre gonna leave her. Other decisions lead you to working together or demonstrating you have no intention to with some form of violence–both resulting in the Spectre just responding fairly. But the “leave” option truly shows that the Spectre doesnt/never intends to act out in malice, since Spectre responds out of desperation to avoid perpetual loneliness, pain, and emptiness. Theres an aspect of “fairness” here too (youre abandoning and hurting her more after having murdered her), but the choice comes after a breakdown and deliberation as opposed to an immediate retaliation. Even then, Spectre laments that she didnt want things to be this way but youve made her worse. Other stand out moments are when Spectre goes, “Youre funny when youre confused. But I didnt give you permission to touch me,” and the player’s moment of patheticness, lol.

This route really hints onto the meta aspects of Slay the Princess too, which is neat! The whole “want to end the world” convo, Spectre just wanting to go home, reality being what is in front of us vs. static truth/objectivity, whether destruction being one thing leading into another vs. the same thing reborn, glass on the floor, and the narrator being like Spectre as a memory of a person…I dont have much to say here currently–still need to ponder, itd be a whole other conversation, Im a bit tired, lol–but its tons of food for thought that I enjoy! Yay, Spectre!

3. Prisoner

Fun fact: this is a rewriting of the extreme word vomit that was me lamenting over how I was kind of confused about the Prisoner but chose her for the sake of a 5th (note the placing change) and then discovering the absolute genius she is!!! Basically, my only exposure to the Prisoner I had was Manly’s recent playthrough, which contained (what Ill call) the Chained Together variation and didnt even have her “thoughts on this vessel?” section due to the game going into the final sequence immediately after. The Prisoner’s section in that final sequence befuddled me because I couldnt connect much other than a theme of “inevitable change,” and even when I dug up the Prisoner’s “thoughts on this vessel?” elsewhere, I couldnt put it all together…until I watched (what Ill call) the Head Trophy variation in the middle of my initial writeup.

Regarding what I enjoyed prior to recognizing genius, I really enjoyed how the Prisoner conducted herself–her curtness and resignation was very unique. Her form was created as a result of the player cutting off her arm, instilling a matter of fact-ness to her that allows her to slit the player’s throat later (got this from the Wiki, Manly didnt show this part). Upon waking up once again chained and chained even more, I interpreted the cleverness aspect from the Prisoner’s “thoughts on this vessel?” section as being able to come to terms with her situation, play along, and bid her time in hopes that her patience (that she emphasizes) would eventually reward her. After all, the Prisoner was willing to pretend she and the player met for the first time until the player prompts otherwise, even saying they dropped “playing the game”--very meta of her! Thus, I interpreted the Prisoner as the princess completely embodying/accepting her role in the game; she couldnt leave when she defied her role last time, so she was fine continuing to wait this time. As a character who realized they were a character and systematically changed their behavior to attempt a new avenue of escape, I thought that was the extent of the Prisoner’s cleverness and was satisfied…enough.

AND I WAS WRONG. DELIGHTFULLY WRONG. I assumed the Prisoner was completely fine with her potentially only means of escape becoming not one, since she didnt seem upset or disappointed. Which was frankly incorrect, as her rude curtness is a result of her being miffed with you. Why? Because her cleverness actually alludes to the fact she had a plan for escape the entire time, and you utterly fucked it up! Which, tbf, she shouldve shown more reaction than curiosity to dissuade the player, but I digress- During the Head Trophy variation, you realize that the Prisoner had a plan this entire time to deceive the Narrator and she succeeds so well because she also got me and got the player. How often do I get got? It was amazing! From the stare as the Prisoner takes the knife away from the player, to the smile before That All Happens, to the wink as it occurs and after, it may speak to an underestimation thats set up due to the Prisoner’s appearance and behavior, but reflecting on all the signs that She Planned This dismantles that perception and reaffirms that the Prisoner is a person with depth beyond what you expect from her and those in her role. As I viewed the Prisoner as a caricature of the princess’s role in the first place (the whole point is that the Prisoner is exactly like the princess in appearance except the chained/locked up aspect is exaggerated), this route is so striking for me with its interrogation of victimhood, how victims are treated/viewed, and how that may be unintentionally stripped of their personhood and reduced (into a caricature of solely “a victim”). The Prisoner puts it quite nicely when the player attacks and she “suddenly” has a ton of fight in her, stating, “Im not a damsel to be helplessly murdered!” …Im not sure if I put it into words the best, but I hope this is understandable. To top off the topic of Prisoner’s cleverness, its a neat detail (I dont know if this is intentional) that the Prisoner does the opposite of what her prior princess form did: the player cut her arm to free her last time, she cut herself out this time and the player “died” the last time, she “died” this time. Beyond recognizing there was a Narrator beyond them she should fool, the Prisoner also reasoned that since having the player kill her is likely not favorable, dying by her own hand might just be fine! The Head Trophy variation is just more poignant when you note that her “thoughts on this vessel?” section talks about how the Prisoner protected herself when others could not but for her plan to work, she has to put complete faith in another.

As 1000% better the Head Trophy variation is in the Prisoner’s route, I do have a soft spot for the Chained Together variation since, from both the Prisoner and the Narrator’s perspective, it must be a hilarious emotional rollercoaster. The Prisoner’s plan failed and shes now stuck with the loser who made it so…for potentially forever! The Narrator probably oscillates between an uneasy concession that while both gods are not dead, they are locked up forever and an utter dread that things may fall apart at any time and thus, the world is practically doomed with no way to change that. The Prisoner doesnt have to decapitate herself, which makes her freedom extra cathartic in the relief she likely felt and didnt expect…and also extra sad in how she found it was nothing but cold and is quickly taken away. Theres also something to be said about how the player joins the princess in her perspective by chaining himself up and that they both inform each other’s perspective, leading to their escape together: (1) since the princess isnt starving to death, the player also doesnt, which is a surprise to the Voices and (2) the player showing up again signaled that change is indeed possible to the princess, perhaps causing the ability for the world to erode around them. Maybe the latter is the Voices informing the player, causing the change…? But I like to think its the initial thought since the cabin could and shouldve have eroded prior to the player’s arrival, assuming the Prisoner understands the concept of erosion…which, I assume she does- Anyways, the route is as emotional as it is kind of wacky, which is up my alley!

4. Witch

This princess is the one I enjoy the most aesthetically. Im a sucker for both witches and cats, what can I say? The allusion to the fable The Scorpion and the Frog really tickles me, and ultimately, whatever decisions made in this chapter are some form of hilarious. Whether we’re both dying on the floor with broken backs or handing a blade to someone who immediately stabs you, its great. I do enjoy the progression into the Thorn chapter, especially with the immediate regret from the Witch and the following reconciliation in Thorn’s chapter, but Thorn is not as funny and aesthetically pleasing as Witch princess for me, which is why she is not here, haha.

Her “Thoughts on this vessel?” section adds a lot of depth to her, since the way the Witch presents herself is very superficial and guarded. Particularly the statement about the Witch making for a “righteous” heart, in combination with her ability to just slip out of her chains. She couldve freed herself at any time, but chose to stay and confront you. Which I feel speaks to the bitterness aspect, as the Witch feels its only “right” to pursue an answer to her pain–whether it be the player’s penance or punishment. The game’s thoughts on bitterness are made even more poignant when you realize the Witch’s ends are either death (hers and/or yours) or a transformation into another state.

5. Tower

This route is just incredibly cool in how she takes over the narrator and the little divergences of the narration’s phrasing to be in her perspective in the voiceover. The progression into that route was amusing for me to think about because I think the shift of perspective that transforms the princess boils down to either “the princess had the might of a god to have defeated you,” “your sudden stop during the fight was a blessing from god to the princess,” and/or “your sudden stop was because your recognized the value of the princess’s life as larger than your own (‘larger than life,’ referring to her bigger form as the Tower and godhood itself).” The Tower calling you disappointing is funny, but what also sticks out is how she said she wanted company before turning into the Tower. Even as the Tower with the ability to just free herself, she chose to wait for you because thats what she wanted, and I think that plays on the relational idea of “What is a god without a believer?” since she’s willing to have the player as a priest or pet, lol.

How this route differs from the Adversary route is interesting, as the Tower is indeed also an overwhelming presence whose decisions matter more than yours not because her single minded relentless pursuit of it but because of the power to overwrite yours. Its a twist on the player’s and princess’s roles until now, but instead of making them equal like in the Adversary, the roles were reversed on who decides and who is forcefully changed as a result of that decision. Of course, you cant take the ability to choose from us, as a player completely, but its about the best you can do, I imagine. And not to mention the “defiling” aspect when you slay the Tower, dragging her down from godhood to an equal (humanity?) or perhaps her original state of someone who responds to your decision as usual… I think this route connects deeply to the meta aspect of Slay the Princess, since this state is where the princess is closest to the “concept of change” and the concept of their true self as a god. It makes the “thoughts on this vessel?” section very poignant because change in itself is indeed a constantly dominant, terrifying, and arguably divine force in its inevitability.

Honorable Mention to...the Damsel!

I really like the deconstruction of her concept, but that also means I feel that liking her is completely counterintuitive to that very deconstruction, lol. Her route is very straightforward in what it does, but it kind of has to be. Meaning it does what it set out to do very well.

This took a bit and is so much more than you asked for, so thank you for your patience and acceptance. Im just bonkers and bananas, so if I have it partially done, I might as well go all the way instead of going in depth on only one, lol. It was a fun exercise in pondering deeper about the princesses and dipping my toes in the ~meta~, but I will also readily say that Im not at all nearly deep enough into Slay the Princess as a whole to be confident on my takes, so this may have just been a session of Talking Out Of My Booty. Nonetheless, I hope this was enjoyable and thank you for prompting me to think about it! The order of the princesses changed throughout this answer, and it may be fun to guess what order they were written in, lol. Id love to hear about your fave/faves if youre interested in sharing as well~! And please, have a lovely day too!!! c:

#a wild ask appeared!#thanks and also Im so sorry adnbladkj #but also maybe not and youre welcome??? I dunno boss #a showcase of how theres tons of thoughts up there theyre just in a dam constantly threatening to spill out and it either manages to stay #there forever or is a FLOODDDDD- anyways #slay the princess #I guess. in case anyone would find this an enjoyable read- gotta think on the game a ton more but bandwidth mayhaps Ill get there someday #*shrugs* I still gotta get into my cha*ns*w m*n thoughts... <- so I dont spam/mistag lol

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